Smokey_Joe
Head Chef
I guess I must be insensitive...I stopped reading it once I read...seat up or down.... [smilie=a_huh.gif]
Heard any good jokes lately?
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Smokey_Joe
Head Chef
Mr. Fu-Chin-Long goes to the eyes doctors for a check up because he hadn't been seeing too well lately.
After the exam, the Dr. calls him in his office to discuss the exam. The Dr. then begins to tell him that he has found the reason for his eye problems recently.
Mr. Fu-Chin-Long is now very interested and listens to the Dr. carefully explain his findings.
While explaining.... the eye Dr. tells him that the recent problems is that he has Cataracts....
Mr. Fu-Chin-Long instantly starts shaking his head no and tells the Dr. ....." Dats improssible Doc...you must bre mistraken....I drive a Rincoln!"
After the exam, the Dr. calls him in his office to discuss the exam. The Dr. then begins to tell him that he has found the reason for his eye problems recently.
Mr. Fu-Chin-Long is now very interested and listens to the Dr. carefully explain his findings.
While explaining.... the eye Dr. tells him that the recent problems is that he has Cataracts....
Mr. Fu-Chin-Long instantly starts shaking his head no and tells the Dr. ....." Dats improssible Doc...you must bre mistraken....I drive a Rincoln!"
Bobberqer
Sous Chef
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"
says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you, " says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"
says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you, " says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Bobberqer
Sous Chef
Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says "I must tell you
something: We have a case of gonorrhea!"
A nun in the back says, "Thank God, I am tired of Zinfandel!"
something: We have a case of gonorrhea!"
A nun in the back says, "Thank God, I am tired of Zinfandel!"
Bobberqer
Sous Chef
The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.
The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while
covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down
her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional
about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire
frames."
The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while
covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down
her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional
about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire
frames."
Bobberqer
Sous Chef
Why is marriage is like a violin?
After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.
After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.
Nick Prochilo
Chef Extraordinaire
Piper McKay is sitting with his Pastor chatting, and confesses; "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Pastor.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive, that looked like it was going to sail over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway, and then fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?" asked the Pastor.
"No, Father," says McKay. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth, and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Pastor again.
"Well, no." says Piper McKay. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Pastor.
"No, Father. Oh no, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked the Pastor.
"Oh no, Father. My ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about SIX inches from the hole."
The two of them were silent for a moment.
Then the Pastor sighed and said, "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Pastor.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive, that looked like it was going to sail over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway, and then fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?" asked the Pastor.
"No, Father," says McKay. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth, and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Pastor again.
"Well, no." says Piper McKay. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Pastor.
"No, Father. Oh no, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked the Pastor.
"Oh no, Father. My ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about SIX inches from the hole."
The two of them were silent for a moment.
Then the Pastor sighed and said, "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?
Bobberqer
Sous Chef
A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walgreens
and asks where the pharmacy counter is.
He is directed to it.
When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.
He comes out and the man, looking around furtively, asks in a low , soft , voice..., "Do you sell VIAGRA here?"
The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."
The man then says, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist looks at him for a moment and then says,
"Perhaps if you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might."
and asks where the pharmacy counter is.
He is directed to it.
When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.
He comes out and the man, looking around furtively, asks in a low , soft , voice..., "Do you sell VIAGRA here?"
The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."
The man then says, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist looks at him for a moment and then says,
"Perhaps if you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might."
Bobberqer
Sous Chef
SURGEONS
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on
my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside
is numbered."
The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians
are the best-- everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in, "You know, I like
construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, D.C., shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the
head and the ass are interchangeable."
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on
my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside
is numbered."
The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians
are the best-- everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in, "You know, I like
construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, D.C., shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the
head and the ass are interchangeable."
cflatt
Sous Chef
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white.
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends - if they're okay, then it must be you.
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white.
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends - if they're okay, then it must be you.
Smokey_Joe
Head Chef
Post # 8
Ontario vs. Arkansas
to quote Nick Prochilo...."Man, these are almost exactly the same".
Diva Q said:
Ontario vs. Arkansas
wboggs said:
to quote Nick Prochilo...."Man, these are almost exactly the same".
Smokey_Joe
Head Chef
wboggs said:
[smilie=a_doh.gif] silly me
===========================
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying on your BBQ pit?
FRANK
Diva Q
Executive Chef
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.
With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.
With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Smokey_Joe
Head Chef
Diva Q said:
Diva... you must have been devastated!....
LOL Were they all your relatives or just close friends?
Diva Q
Executive Chef
Bobberqer
Sous Chef
A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so
they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to
three people.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the
same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best
answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is
lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on
his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their
answers.
The first one says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine
the answer with the information we were given."
The THIRD one says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down
to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer"
...HE GOT THE JOB
they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to
three people.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the
same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best
answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is
lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on
his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their
answers.
The first one says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine
the answer with the information we were given."
The THIRD one says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down
to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer"
...HE GOT THE JOB
smokemaster
Senior Cook
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed. What do you do?
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
smokemaster
Senior Cook
Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
Your Ex-husband
PS
Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia Together! Have a great life!
---------------------------------
Dear Ex-husband:
Not hing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago! I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
PS
I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
Your Ex-husband
PS
Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia Together! Have a great life!
---------------------------------
Dear Ex-husband:
Not hing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago! I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
PS
I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
wittdog
Master Chef
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk aboutthem behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She
again replied, "Why, yes, I do I've known Mr. Bradley sin ce he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.
Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you
idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk aboutthem behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She
again replied, "Why, yes, I do I've known Mr. Bradley sin ce he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.
Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you
idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
Bobberqer
Sous Chef
There was a Kentucky Redneck and a Ohio Buckeye, fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio river.
Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, "Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the river!"
"Alright, tell ya what, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and
you can walk across this little beam of light!" the redneck yelled
back.
The buckeye replied, "Haint no way buddy. I know, you think I'm a fool!
When I get halfway cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!"
Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, "Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the river!"
"Alright, tell ya what, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and
you can walk across this little beam of light!" the redneck yelled
back.
The buckeye replied, "Haint no way buddy. I know, you think I'm a fool!
When I get halfway cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!"
