Heard any good jokes lately?

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Secret Ways to Annoy



Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
Sing along at the opera.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Yell random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
 
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the
stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets
in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy
daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room
in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the
daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened
16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.

"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out" Again the mother
told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened.
You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." "No," said the boy,
"I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
 
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette met for lunch.
The brunette said "I was going through my daughter's
purse the other day, and I found cigarettes....I had no I idea she
was smoking.

The redhead said "that's nothing, last week I went through my daughter's
closet and found a liquor bottle....I had no idea she'd started drinking."


And the blonde said..."hey, last week I went through my daughters purse and found condoms....I had no idea she had a penis!.


:LOL: :LOL:

We dearly love the women on this board, and if any are blonde, I apologize for Greg allowing such offenses.

:D
 
wboggs said:
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH


A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,"
she retorted indignantly.

"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex
lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
'Mississippi'."

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
Click to expand...

You owe me $5! ;)
 
wboggs said:
Nick Prochilo said:
wboggs said:
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH


A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,"
she retorted indignantly.

"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex
lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
'Mississippi'."

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
Click to expand...

You owe me $5! ;)
Click to expand...
I'd rather owe it to ya than cheat ya out of it.
Click to expand...
:LOL:
 
Priest and the hair dryer

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. 'Let's have a BBQ party, Homer,' she suggested. 'Let's kill a pig.'



The farmer scratched his grizzled head. 'Gee, Ethel,' he finally answered, 'I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.'"
 
Re: Priest and the hair dryer

Larry D. said:
A young woman on a flight from Germany asked the Catholic Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Have a good day."
Click to expand...

Smokey_Joe said:
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a
favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have
anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your
waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
Click to expand...

Man, these are almost exactly the same.
 
"The New Husband Store"

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where
a woman may go to choose a husband.

At the entrance to the store, there is a description of how the store operates:

1. You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

2. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the
shopper ascends the flights.

3. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may
choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.

"Wow," she thinks but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
Sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
:shock:
*************************************************************
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a 6 floor" New Wives Store" just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

To this day, the third through sixth floors have never been visited.

:LOL:
 
Oh MY God!!!!!!!", sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not
surprised........ You've been giving me a piece of it every single day for twenty years!"


:shock:
 
wboggs said:
Alabama, Arkansas, Indiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Florida, and Kentucky . . . . . . . . . . Nice ass. Get in the truck.
Click to expand...

boggs, boggs, boggs......we are all past that now....times have changed...what you have there is known as Alabama foreplay "get in the truck b#$%h"

:LOL:
 
wboggs said:
HOW TO SAY " I LOVE YOU " IN 25 LANGUAGES

English . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You

Spanish. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . Te Amo

French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . .. . .. . . Je T'aim

German . . . . .. . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich

Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Ai Shite Imasu

Italian . . . . . . . .. . . . . .. . . . . . .. . . . . Ti Amo

Chinese. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. Wo Ai Nin

Swedish. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . ... . . . . . . . Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Indiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Florida, and Kentucky . . . . . . . . . . Nice ass. Get in the truck.
Click to expand...

:shock: lol
 
Definition of Outdoor BBQ

Definition of Outdoor BBQ....it's the only type of cooking a real man do.

When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.


The woman goes to the store.
The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
The man places the meat on the grill.
The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
 
Toilet seat up, or down???


A long time ago, I read a short online piece about how women could get their men to put the toilet seat down. Inherent in it was the idea that this was an example of men's lack of consideration and that the task at hand was one of disciplining these bad boys. I don't know, my attitude is that if women can leave a toilet seat down, men can leave it up.

Of course, this is just a silly, pebble-in-the-shoe issue, but I see it as a metaphor for a modern phenomenon: The casting of women's characteristic behaviors as the norm and men's as dysfunctional deviations.

This is strikingly obvious with the topic of communication. Man has long known that women were the more loquacious sex, and you've probably heard of studies to this effect. A recent book states that women have about 20,000 "communication events" (I love these terms the psycho-babblers conjure up) a day, versus about 7,000 for men. But this is nothing new; who didn't know a bevy of garrulous girls in school?

What is new is the assumption that this imputes superiority to women. "Communication" has become one of the buzzwords of modern psychology. And, whenever relationships are at issue--be it in a book, article, talk or interview--almost invariably an "expert" will inform us of two things. One is that women communicate more than men. The other is that an onus belongs on men as this "handicap" of theirs is an impediment to good relations. Why, men need to learn to communicate more and share their feelings, we're told.

Did anyone ever think that maybe women communicate too darn much?

Don't get me wrong, rhetorical license aside, I understand the importance of communication. What bothers me, though, is the knee-jerk assumption here that more is better, a conclusion that most of the same researchers take great pains to forestall when the issue is, oh, let's say, the greater size of the male brain. But this is a principle of sex differences research: When men have more, more is less. When women have less, less is more.

And that's it, more or less.

What seems to escape most is that this modern exaltation of the lip lies in stark contrast to what wisdom has taught since time immemorial. And the truth she imparts is obvious, which is why sayings encapsulating it abound: "Still waters run deep," "Empty kettles make the most noise," "Shallow brooks are noisy," and "There are two kinds of people who don't say much, those who are quiet and those who talk a lot."

It's why movies have always portrayed the strong, silent type who exhibits quiet fortitude as the most heroic of men. It's why good writers value verbosity no more than good surgeons do bloodletting. Delicate operations warrant use of a fine scalpel, something small and sharp that punctures precisely--and cuts when necessary--not an implement bigger and blunter. And this is true whether you wish to get at the heart of a man or the heart of a matter: a precise surgical approach is usually preferable. Big, blunt things are better suited to bludgeoning.

To be quite blunt myself, yes, I subscribe to the traditional idea that women are chatterboxes and it's not their best trait. Don't get me wrong, we men have our faults as well. For instance, I absolutely cannot stand my brothers' habit of channel-surfing, which I guess could be characterized as Chatting Finger Syndrome. But here's the difference. Whether it's this masculine foible or another, no one does intellectual contortions to cast it as a positive attribute. At best it's seen as cute quirkiness, at worst as a defect of manliness.

Now, just imagine how it might be if incessant channel-surfing were a characteristic female behavior. It would only be a matter of time before some sickologists conducted a study and portrayed it as yet another example of feminine superiority. It would go something like this:

Channel-surfing is akin to speed-reading, not a function of a fault but indicative of a unique ability. Because women have more neural connections between the two hemispheres of the brain, they can process information faster, allowing them to absorb the substance and assess the value of a given program in mere seconds. Thus, while a man may perceive just a brief snapshot of seemingly unintelligible imagery and sound, his wife has already assimilated the program's relevant information or ascertained it to be devoid of such. "She is anxious to read the next page while he is still on the first paragraph of the last," said Dr. Delilah Emasculata of the Sex Differences Research and Proof That Women Are Better in Every Way So Just Shut-up and Take It Institute.

The truth is that both men and women should understand their sex's characteristic frailties and, just as with any negative proclivity, seek to tame them. Hey, I always ask directions and I'm great at matching colors.

As for communication, I have some of the best advice you gals will ever hear. If you have something important to say, don't embed it in an interminable stream-of-consciousness monologue between words 1129 and 1145 and expect the man in your life to absorb it. It's not that he doesn't care. He has his sanity to think about, you know.

My mother used to teach us that "Speech is silver, silence is golden." I wouldn't expect anyone to learn much while channel-surfing in fully automatic mode. Tongue-surfing isn't much better.

Loquacity doesn't denote sagacity.

Oh, and the toilet seat? I just don't want to talk about it.
 
Bobberqer said:
Toilet seat up, or down???




Did anyone ever think that maybe women communicate too darn much?
Click to expand...

Oh yes. My philosophy, which appears to be impossible to understand for those suffering from estrogen overload, is this: "Not every thought that enters your head has to exit your mouth."
 
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