Captain Morgan
Chef Extraordinaire
copied this from another forum....one man's encounter with evil...
"Came home around 6 thirty-ish. Went outside and started working on the deck. Started screwing down the deck railing and banging the nails back in with a hammer. I dropped a screw, leaned over to pick it up, and saw a snake right next to my hand. After completely flipping out, I ran up the deck and did one of those full-body shake things that you do when something grosses you out. Then, I gathered my bearings, ran to the shed and grabbed the wide shovel. Standing around two feet away from the deadly serpent, I began to try to cut its head off. The problem was that the ground was too soft underneath, so I pretty much kept pushing it into the ground. Pissing him off, but not killing him.
Then, I realized that I didn't see him anymore. I flaked. As soon as I saw a tail move in the grass, I did what any self-respecting man would have done. I backed up four feet and started wildly whacking the ground like I'm trying to win a Teddy Bear for my best girl at the County Fair.
Around three or four minutes pass and I'm working up a good sweat. The snake is no longer moving. And then he starts moving again, but in a different spot. This confuses me until a lightbulb goes off and sends synapses of terror directly to my already sweaty palms.
Two snakes.
My life is over, as far as I can tell. I jumped up on the third step of the deck and retried the chop-ya-in-half, death from above maneuver. Again, the ground is too soft. So I decide to go after the dead one again, hoping to gain confidence. Knowing that I had killed it real good, I went to work on the other one again, who was writhing and wrigling like a snake possessed.
For some reason, all rationalization subsides, and I'm left with a sense of purpose. Bisquit is still outside running around. If she gets close to this snake (the living one), something bad could happen. So I ran downstairs and won the biggest Teddy Bear you've ever seen. I beat the thing until it looked like a petrified stick. No more snakey...>
So, I picked up the snakes with the shovel with all the delicacy of a first time ice skater, holding the very tip of the shovel to maximize my Ryan/Snake distance. I then threw the snakes over the back of the fence in an effort to show their evil friends and family that I am a force to not be ****** with. I had just completed what was, in my mind, a textbook snake removal.
So I go back to hammering, stopping periodically to look down in case one of the legless wonders was feeling froggy. Everything looked safe and locked down. I continue to hammer away and feel something big land on my neck. I swat it away and keep hammering. Then I see a hornet land on the porch in front of me. And then another. I kneel down only to find that, yes indeedy, I had just nailed into a hornet's nest.
I grab the dog and run inside, and we both stare out the storm door at the pissed off little stingers, kind of like a kid looking outside at the pouring rain on the first day of summer vacation.
I grab the insect repellant and tell the puppy to stay inside.
Daddy's not done yet.
So I run outside and spray a barrage of insecticide from multiple angles, stirring up the troops. I run out of spray and see them coming, at which point I completely lose my **** and jump the fence, running around the house to the front door, which I slam shut and lock behind me so they can't get in.
Then Bisquit and I played the waiting game, which is played by me sitting there throwing Cheese Nips to her, and her eating them.
Then we went to Wendy's. I gave her a congratulatory french fry to celebrate a job well done.
That said, I'm never going in my backyard again. **** that place.
"Came home around 6 thirty-ish. Went outside and started working on the deck. Started screwing down the deck railing and banging the nails back in with a hammer. I dropped a screw, leaned over to pick it up, and saw a snake right next to my hand. After completely flipping out, I ran up the deck and did one of those full-body shake things that you do when something grosses you out. Then, I gathered my bearings, ran to the shed and grabbed the wide shovel. Standing around two feet away from the deadly serpent, I began to try to cut its head off. The problem was that the ground was too soft underneath, so I pretty much kept pushing it into the ground. Pissing him off, but not killing him.
Then, I realized that I didn't see him anymore. I flaked. As soon as I saw a tail move in the grass, I did what any self-respecting man would have done. I backed up four feet and started wildly whacking the ground like I'm trying to win a Teddy Bear for my best girl at the County Fair.
Around three or four minutes pass and I'm working up a good sweat. The snake is no longer moving. And then he starts moving again, but in a different spot. This confuses me until a lightbulb goes off and sends synapses of terror directly to my already sweaty palms.
Two snakes.
My life is over, as far as I can tell. I jumped up on the third step of the deck and retried the chop-ya-in-half, death from above maneuver. Again, the ground is too soft. So I decide to go after the dead one again, hoping to gain confidence. Knowing that I had killed it real good, I went to work on the other one again, who was writhing and wrigling like a snake possessed.
For some reason, all rationalization subsides, and I'm left with a sense of purpose. Bisquit is still outside running around. If she gets close to this snake (the living one), something bad could happen. So I ran downstairs and won the biggest Teddy Bear you've ever seen. I beat the thing until it looked like a petrified stick. No more snakey...>
So, I picked up the snakes with the shovel with all the delicacy of a first time ice skater, holding the very tip of the shovel to maximize my Ryan/Snake distance. I then threw the snakes over the back of the fence in an effort to show their evil friends and family that I am a force to not be ****** with. I had just completed what was, in my mind, a textbook snake removal.
So I go back to hammering, stopping periodically to look down in case one of the legless wonders was feeling froggy. Everything looked safe and locked down. I continue to hammer away and feel something big land on my neck. I swat it away and keep hammering. Then I see a hornet land on the porch in front of me. And then another. I kneel down only to find that, yes indeedy, I had just nailed into a hornet's nest.
I grab the dog and run inside, and we both stare out the storm door at the pissed off little stingers, kind of like a kid looking outside at the pouring rain on the first day of summer vacation.
I grab the insect repellant and tell the puppy to stay inside.
Daddy's not done yet.
So I run outside and spray a barrage of insecticide from multiple angles, stirring up the troops. I run out of spray and see them coming, at which point I completely lose my **** and jump the fence, running around the house to the front door, which I slam shut and lock behind me so they can't get in.
Then Bisquit and I played the waiting game, which is played by me sitting there throwing Cheese Nips to her, and her eating them.
Then we went to Wendy's. I gave her a congratulatory french fry to celebrate a job well done.
That said, I'm never going in my backyard again. **** that place.