Your funny for today..

[john pen]

Subject: The Blonde and the rooster

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here
and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure
out how to get
started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when
it's
finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the
box, it's a
rooster.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the
puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread
all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, looks
at the box
then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we
do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into
anything looking like a rooster. He then takes her hand and
says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of
tea and then' he says with a deep sigh... 'Let's put all the
Corn Flakes back in the box.'

 

[Gary in VA]

LMAO

 

[Pigs On The Wing BBQ]

Good one John. Now Val (the wife) want's to pound you. I thought it was funny. Guess she has no sence of humor.

 

[Smokey_Joe]

Good one John. Now Val (the wife) want's to pound you. I thought it was funny. Guess she has no sence of humor.

I'm guessing either Val is Blonde....
or she has tried to put together that same rooster puzzle
or both

just funnin with ya Val

 

[Pigs On The Wing BBQ]

Yea she is Joe, and you just made her list. Oh yea, I forgot, she's a BLACK BELT! I can't run as fast as I could so I have to watch my step. Or think before I speek. (that's hard for me) OUCH.

 

[john pen]

Last January the New Orleans Times Picayune reported that a Cajun amateur
archeologist having dug to a depth of 10 feet and found traces of copper wire
dating back 100 years.... and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already
had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Cajuns, in the weeks that followed, Texan scientists dug
to a depth of 20 feet.
Shortly after, headlines in the Dallas Morning News read: 'Texas archaeologist
have fou nd traces of 200-year old copper wire, and have concluded th at their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network one
hundred years earlier than the Cajuns.'
One week later, The Birmingham News reported the following: 'After digging as
dee p as 30 feet in fields near Tuscaloosa, Bubba (Earl Ed) Williams, an Alabama
graduate, football player, and self- taught archeologist, reported that he found
absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago in
Alabama they were already using wireless.

 

[Pigs On The Wing BBQ]

Love it.

 

[007bond-jb]

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you
whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each
answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.
But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?









The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe,
and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple
things in an overly complicated way.




2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?











Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close
the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put
in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your
previous actions.









3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?











Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there.
This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.



4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?






Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you
not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many
preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says
this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have
the brains of a four-year-old.


Little Tony


A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream The
second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting
off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."



LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"



LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH


Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."



LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR


Little TONY was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.

He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this
situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow
you to go."

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you
had bigger boobs , you'd be a TEN!"



LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"



LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know
eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your
teeth, and make you fat"

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business

 

[john pen]

When a woman wears a leather dress,


A man's heart beats quicker,


And his throat gets dry,


He goes weak in the knees,


And he begins to think irrationally.



Ever wonder why?











Because she smells like a new truck

 

[john pen]

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and
drinking from his farm pond.
The Amish farmer shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin
gesheissen." (Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in
it")
The kneeling man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak
Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak
in English."
The Amish farmer says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."

 

[ronbeaux50]

At a Cajun bar in south Louisiana the men were having drinks when in walks a very large woman wearing a sleevless sun dress. She walks right up to the bar and raises her unshaven underarm high over her head and anounces, " What man in this bar will buy this lady a drink!!"

All of the men at the bar duck their heads or turn away except for Thibedeaux who is very drunk and says" Buy that ballerina a drink!!"

The bartender complies.

The woman chugs it down and again raises her unshaven arm high above her head and says "What man in this bar will buy this lady a drink!!"

Again Thibedeaux says "Buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bar tender who is a friend of Thibedeaux asked him " Thibedeaux, I know know it's your money and if you want to buy her a drink that's OK, but why do you call her a ballerina??"







Thibedeaux says, " Any woman who can raise her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

 

[john a]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $ 800 just to drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs! When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the! $800 he owes me?"

 

[Pigs On The Wing BBQ]

That's a good one John!

 

[Rag1]

I saw a billboard sign that said:



NEED HELP, CALL JESUS



1-800-005-3787








Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

 

[Rag1]

No SEX since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."


"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

" 1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his same serious voice, "I certainly hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Moral: Everybody should learn military time.

 

[Pigs On The Wing BBQ]

I saw a billboard sign that said:



NEED HELP, CALL JESUS



1-800-005-3787








Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

When I called a Mexican showed up with a tow truck.

 

[Bobberqer]

Little Johnny

One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parent’s room to check it out.

He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her.

Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.

After business was finished, Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.

Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!'

Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when it’s your mom, is it?

 

[Bobberqer]

1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother.
__________________________________________________________

2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?

Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
__________________________________________________________

3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everybody at the party ...

A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
__________________________________________________________

4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
__________________________________________________________

5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
__________________________________________________________

6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
___________________________________________________________

7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.
___________________________________________________________

8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A mechanic.
___________________________________________________________

9 ) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
___________________________________________________________

10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

The one who can eat the last donut.
___________________________________________________________



11) What are the three words men hate to hear most during sex:

'Is it in?'
___________________________________________________________

12) The three words women hate to hear most during sex:

'Honey, I'm home!'

 

[Bobberqer]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'

They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin'candle..

 

[Bobberqer]

Believe it or Not ......

I got so depressed last night that I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...