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Old 01-23-2008, 01:24 PM   #1
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Your funny for today..

Subject: The Blonde and the rooster

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here
and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure
out how to get
started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when
it's
finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the
box, it's a
rooster.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the
puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread
all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, looks
at the box
then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we
do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into
anything looking like a rooster. He then takes her hand and
says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of
tea and then' he says with a deep sigh... 'Let's put all the
Corn Flakes back in the box.'
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Old 01-23-2008, 06:32 PM   #2
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LMAO
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Old 01-23-2008, 07:12 PM   #3
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Good one John. Now Val (the wife) want's to pound you. I thought it was funny. Guess she has no sence of humor.
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Old 01-23-2008, 07:25 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pigs On The Wing BBQ
Good one John. Now Val (the wife) want's to pound you. I thought it was funny. Guess she has no sence of humor.
I'm guessing either Val is Blonde....
or she has tried to put together that same rooster puzzle
or both

just funnin with ya Val
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Old 01-23-2008, 07:52 PM   #5
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Yea she is Joe, and you just made her list. Oh yea, I forgot, she's a BLACK BELT! I can't run as fast as I could so I have to watch my step. Or think before I speek. (that's hard for me) OUCH.
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Old 01-24-2008, 08:04 AM   #6
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Last January the New Orleans Times Picayune reported that a Cajun amateur
archeologist having dug to a depth of 10 feet and found traces of copper wire
dating back 100 years.... and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already
had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Cajuns, in the weeks that followed, Texan scientists dug
to a depth of 20 feet.
Shortly after, headlines in the Dallas Morning News read: 'Texas archaeologist
have fou nd traces of 200-year old copper wire, and have concluded th at their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network one
hundred years earlier than the Cajuns.'
One week later, The Birmingham News reported the following: 'After digging as
dee p as 30 feet in fields near Tuscaloosa, Bubba (Earl Ed) Williams, an Alabama
graduate, football player, and self- taught archeologist, reported that he found
absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago in
Alabama they were already using wireless.
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"I love my country, I love my guns, I love my family, I love the way it is now. And anybody that tries to change it, has to come through me. That should be all of our attitudes.
Cause this is America and a country boy is good enough for me, son."
- Charlie Daniels
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Old 01-24-2008, 08:15 AM   #7
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Love it.
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Old 01-24-2008, 09:36 AM   #8
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The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you
whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each
answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.
But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?









The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe,
and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple
things in an overly complicated way.




2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?











Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close
the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put
in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your
previous actions.









3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?











Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there.
This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.



4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?






Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you
not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many
preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says
this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have
the brains of a four-year-old.


Little Tony


A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream The
second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting
off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."



LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"



LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH


Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."



LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR


Little TONY was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.

He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this
situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow
you to go."

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you
had bigger boobs , you'd be a TEN!"



LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"



LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know
eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your
teeth, and make you fat"

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business
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Old 01-26-2008, 10:49 AM   #9
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When a woman wears a leather dress,


A man's heart beats quicker,


And his throat gets dry,


He goes weak in the knees,


And he begins to think irrationally.



Ever wonder why?











Because she smells like a new truck
__________________
"I love my country, I love my guns, I love my family, I love the way it is now. And anybody that tries to change it, has to come through me. That should be all of our attitudes.
Cause this is America and a country boy is good enough for me, son."
- Charlie Daniels
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Old 01-31-2008, 11:32 AM   #10
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An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and
drinking from his farm pond.
The Amish farmer shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin
gesheissen." (Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in
it")
The kneeling man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak
Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak
in English."
The Amish farmer says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."
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"I love my country, I love my guns, I love my family, I love the way it is now. And anybody that tries to change it, has to come through me. That should be all of our attitudes.
Cause this is America and a country boy is good enough for me, son."
- Charlie Daniels
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