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"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. If you've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
 
Two men were driving through West Virginia when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in West Virginia, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in West Virginia, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back.

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know your type." the trooper says, "Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say,"I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me."
 
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all
working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops
out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says
the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the
land to be forever fertile in Canada."

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan,
Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can
come in our precious land."

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this
wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick
and completely su rrounds th e country. Nothing can get in or out; it's
virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with
water."
 
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat.

A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?". She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

Whoa !!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What, exactly, is your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she says ," I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent."

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!".

"Tonto," the man says as he extends his hand. "Tonto Goldstein."
 
A barber is cutting a customer's hair when the door cracks open and a guy counts the number of customers waiting in the shop. He then closes the door and takes off.
This starts to happen every Wed. Same deal, counts heads and leaves.
The barber tells the shoe shine boy to follow him next time it happens. Sure enough, next Wed he pops his head in the door, the boot black follows and returns later.
The barber says, "well, where did he go"? The boy answers. " your house".
:LOL:
 
TEXAS CIRCLE FLIES



A Republican cowboy from Texas goes to a social
function where Hillary Clinton is trying to gather
more support for her nomination. Once she discovers
the cowboy is a Republican, she begins to belittle
his talking in a southern drawl and single syllable
words.
As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some
flies that were buzzing around her head. The cowboy
says, "Y'all having some problem with them
circle flies?'
She stopped talking and said, "Well yes, if that's
what they're called. But I've never heard of circle
flies."
"Well ma'am," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang
around ranches. They're called circle flies because
they're almost always found circling around the back
end of a horse."
"Oh," Hillary replies as she goes back to rambling.
But, a moment later she stops and bluntly asks, "Are
you calling me a horse's ass?"
"No, ma'am," the cowboy replies, "I have too much
respect for the citizens of New York to call
their
Senator a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," she responds and
begins
rambling on once more.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best
Texas
drawl says, . . . "Hard to fool them flies though."
 
john pen said:
TEXAS CIRCLE FLIES



A Republican cowboy from Texas goes to a social
function where Hillary Clinton is trying to gather
more support for her nomination. Once she discovers
the cowboy is a Republican, she begins to belittle
his talking in a southern drawl and single syllable
words.
As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some
flies that were buzzing around her head. The cowboy
says, "Y'all having some problem with them
circle flies?'
She stopped talking and said, "Well yes, if that's
what they're called. But I've never heard of circle
flies."
"Well ma'am," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang
around ranches. They're called circle flies because
they're almost always found circling around the back
end of a horse."
"Oh," Hillary replies as she goes back to rambling.
But, a moment later she stops and bluntly asks, "Are
you calling me a horse's ass?"
"No, ma'am," the cowboy replies, "I have too much
respect for the citizens of New York to call
their
Senator a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," she responds and
begins
rambling on once more.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best
Texas
drawl says, . . . "Hard to fool them flies though."

LMAO !!!!
 
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the
Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden.

They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and
asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?"
"Sex!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held
a gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just
hold it for a while."

Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes
his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet
secretly each night in the garden w here they would sit and talk and
Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting
by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding
Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have
that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied...
"Parkinson's"

:shock:
 
Who is doing the work?????

The population of the USA is 300 million.



160 million are retired.



That leaves 140 million to do the work.



There are 85 million in school.



Which leaves 55 million to do the work.



Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.



Leaving 15 million to do the work.



2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.



Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.



Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.



And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.



At any given time there are 188, 000 people in hospitals.



Leaving 1, 212,000 to do the work.



Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.


That leaves just two people to do the work.



You and me.


And there you are,



sitting on your ass,



at your computer, reading jokes.



Nice. Really Nice.!!!
 
THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to have been deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that
she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once befor e I got married and committed my life to her
sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get
me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.


Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:






Always keep your condoms in your car.
 
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,

"Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an arm pit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
 
my turn

Old joke
----- Original Message -----
From: don critchfield
To: jerry white ; bill mark ; olga epelboim ; josh critchfield ; jaschasspen@aol.com ; gene critchfield ; Ellen Sisser ; careenc@msn.com ; wjduda@aol.com ; geri ; anna critchfield ; angela campanella ; Boris Hlushchenko
Sent: Friday, February 29, 2008 9:31 AM
Subject: cannibals



Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"
 
Re: my turn

Rag said:
Old joke
----- Original Message -----
From: don critchfield
To: jerry white ; bill mark ; olga epelboim ; josh critchfield ; jaschasspen@aol.com ; gene critchfield ; Ellen Sisser ; careenc@msn.com ; wjduda@aol.com ; geri ; anna critchfield ; angela campanella ; Boris Hlushchenko
Sent: Friday, February 29, 2008 9:31 AM
Subject: cannibals



Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"

Two cannibals sitting on a river bank, eating a clown. One looks up and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"
 
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just
try this experiment. Put your dog & your wife in the trunk of the
car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to
see you!
 
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser and looking for a girl with big tits.
 
Old guy is getting has annual checkup and doc asks how he feels. Fine except I have a big bowl movement every mornionhg at 8:00 says the old dude. Nothing wrong with that says doc, old guy responds "but I don't get out of bed until 9:00.
 
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