Your funny for today..

[Bobberqer]

Advanced Medicine

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out
looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four
weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we
can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have
both of them out looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor interjected, "You guys are way behind. "We" are about to take a woman with no brains, put her in the White House, and half the country will be out looking for work."

 

[Bobberqer]

>Blind Salesman>>>

A woman goes into Smiths City to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The Smiths City salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5kg test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for $120.00.

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $160.00 please.

"The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $120.00. How did you get to $160.00?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are $120.00, but the Duck Caller is $30.00 and the Fish Bait is $10.00."

 

[john a]

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around
it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and
behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton. That evening, the man introduced Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over
to Hilary, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

 

[Bobberqer]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

The Lord replied:

'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

 

[Griff]

Ed was in real trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife
was REALLY angry.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-wrapped
box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe,
ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.

Please pray for him.

 

[Bobberqer]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife

"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwe ar out of his drawer.

"What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud
appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom,

"Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker... "It's not talcum powder... It's 'Miracle
Grow'."

 

[john pen]

>Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife
says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'
Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'
'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you
get?'
'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said
proudly.'
What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking
her head in disgust.'Why on earth would an accountant
get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on this
privates?'
'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.Two, once in
a while I like to play with my money.Three, I like how
money feels in my hand.And, lastly, instead of you
going out shopping, you can stay right here at home
and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

Larry is recovering in room 2233 at Park Ridge
hospital.

 

[Bobberqer]

Irish History Lesson- The Computer Age

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, The Kerryman, a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."

 

[Bobberqer]

Irish History Lesson- The Computer Age

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, The Kerryman, a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."

 

[john a]

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.

"St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."

 

[Bobberqer]

A classic

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Tang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Tang said, "OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and crawl reery, reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Tang then said, "OK, now crawl reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did, Dr Tang shook his head slowly.

"Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, what is Ed Zach ary Disease?"

Dr. Tang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when you face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

 

[john a]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says," License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
__________________

 

[john a]

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same
barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different
barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear
it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one
who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife
Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"
Bush replied, "Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the in side
of a whorehouse smells like."

 

[Nick Prochilo]

One day, the seven dwarfs left to go work in the mine.
Snow White stayed home to prepare lunch. When she
arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there
had been a terrible cave in. Tearfully, and fearing the
worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against
hope that some of the dwarfs had survived.

"Hello, hello," she called. "Can anyone hear me? Hello."
For quite a while there was no answer. Losing hope,
Snow White called again, "Hello... Is anyone down
there?"

Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came
a faint voice from deep in the mine. The voice said,
"Vote for Hillary. Vote for Hillary."

Snow White, somewhat relieved screamed out, "Oh, thank
God. At least Dopey is still alive."

 

[Bobberqer]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the
86-year-old said,"Things are great and I've never felt better".

"I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit, he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."


The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 

[john a]

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

 

[john pen]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

(or the uncertainty of the English language)

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?

'Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

----------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'

---------------------------------------------------------

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

---------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook, and really good with the kids'.

-----------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you'.

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

----------------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

----------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute..'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

----------------------------------------------------------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun?!

What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

-----------------------------------------------------------

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'

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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'OOPS'

------------------------------------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

 

[john a]

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes.' Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. 'Logic?' Bubba says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.' 'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.' 'I have a family.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.'

'Yes, I do have a wife.'

'And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.' 'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater.' Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. 'Logic?' Jim Bob says, 'What's that?'

Bubba says, 'I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.'

 

[Smokey_Joe]

LMAO...phew..... DAMN good thing I have a weedeater!

 

[007bond-jb]

For Rempy & friends :twisted:
http://www.break.com/index/valentines-day-surprise.html