The Night Before Christmas politically correct version - BBQ Central

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Old 12-15-2005, 11:08 AM   #1
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The Night Before Christmas politically correct version

The Night Before Christmas politically correct version


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Twas the night before a non-denominational or
denominational celebratory day, when all through the
residential dwelling, either rented or owned, not a
creature was stirring, not even an evolution-advanced,
sentient, small furry species that must be respected.

The hosiery which may be worn by any person regardless
of gender (or gender identity) was hung (in a gentle
manner using recyclable materials) by the chimney with
care, in hopes that a follically gifted person of
enhanced girth soon would be there.
The younger but equally valuable members of the family
who may or may not be biologically related to the head
of household were nestled (most respectfully and
without the possibility of physical discipline) all
snug in their beds, while non-drug induced and
age-appropriate visions of organic fruit danced in the
most non-suggestive manner in their heads.

And the female, male or transgendered head of
household in his/her kerchief/cap/headwear of choice,
and I in my kerchief/cap/headwear of choice, had just
settled down for a long winter's nap. When out on the
lawn/sidewalk/street/space not enclosed by walls, to
respect those who cannot afford lawns or who may be
homeless, which is a tragic condition that should not
be judged-- there arose such a noise of undeterminable
origin, I sprang from my bed to see what was the
matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash, not produced
by any incendiary device, threw open the shutters and
threw up the sash.* The moon on the portion of female
anatomy that cannot be said on the radio or television
due to FCC restrictions of the new fallen snow, gave a
luster of midday to objects below.

When what to my wondering eyes, or other means of
sensing, should appear, or emerge, but a mode of
environmentally friendly transportation of compact
stature that does not contribute to the world wide
concern of global warming, nor uses unreplenishable
fossil fuels, and eight tiny hoofed animals that
should never be hunted for sport.

With a senior citizen driver of a vertically
challenged disposition, so lively and quick, not
meaning to imply that senior citizen drivers of a
vertically challenged disposition are not normally
lively and quick…I knew in a moment it must be the
follically gifted person of enhanced girth previously
mentioned above—but of no denominational significance.


More rapid than an avian species that is protected
under federal law, his coursers they came, and he
whistled, because he was genetically predisposed to
whistle, and shouted, but not in an aggressive manner,
and called them by name. Now Dasher, now Dancer, now
Prancer, and Vixen, on Comet on Cupid, on Donder and
Blitzen! (The folically gifted person of enhanced
girth did not mean to call these hoofed animals that
should never be hunted for sport by any value-laden or
gender specific name as all reindeer, regardless of
gender, are provided equal opportunity.)
To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall or
other point on land that could be viewed by anyone
either with or without a home…now dash away, dash
away, dash away all! And then in a twinkling I heard
on the roof, or any other point of a building within
view of anyone either with or without a home, the
prancing and pawing of each little hoof…

As I drew in my hand, or prosthesis, whichever
applies, and was turning around…down the chimney the
follically gifted person of enhanced girth came with a
bound. He was dressed in an outfit that was comprised
of a fur-like material made of hemp from his head to
his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with
non-tobacco ashes, and soot.

A bundle of toys or educational items he had flung on
his back and he looked like a entrepreneurial retailer
as he opened his pack. His eyes how they twinkled, his
genetically inherited facial features how merry, his
cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry. His
droll little mouth drawn up like a bow, and the facial
hair on his face was as lacking in pigment as the snow
or other type of precipitation, depending on the
climate.

(((The next lines are omitted because of references to
smoking and tobacco products without regard to the
concern over second-hand smoke which would set a bad
example for children.)))

(((Again, the next lines must be omitted because of
value-laden and biogted references to people of
enhanced abdominal girth.))) … a wink of his eye, not
meaning to imply anything sexual or inappropriate and
a twist of his head, soon gave me to know I had
nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, nor signed to the hearing
impaired any indication he was trying to communicate,
but went straight to his hourly or salaried
union-contracted position recently negotiated and
agreed upon by all parties, and filled the hosiery
which may be worn by any person regardless of gender
and washed in a gentle manner using only recyclable
materials, then turned with a jerk (which may or may
not be grounds for a workman's comp claim).

And laying his finger aside of his nose, and giving a
nod, up the chimney he rose. He sprang to his mode of
environmentally friendly transportation of compact
stature that does not contribute to the world wide
concern of global warming, nor uses unreplenishable
fossil fuels and to his team gave a whistle… And away
they all flew like the down of a thistle. But I heard
him exclaim, or sign to the hearing impaired as he
drove, soberly, out of sight…. Happy
non-denominational or denominational celebratory
day…and to all a good night!
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Old 12-15-2005, 11:13 AM   #2
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Old 12-15-2005, 11:14 AM   #3
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Old 12-19-2005, 06:07 AM   #4
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not sure what to say except that there are people out there who would have the jaded view that all that was ok sad, real sad.. The poem is probably hung up in stores all over Marin County, Ca, and Berkley, Ca
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