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Old 01-26-2007, 01:26 PM   #1
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Heard any good jokes lately?

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked
him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
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Old 01-26-2007, 01:46 PM   #2
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The weather is here.... wish you were beautiful

Imagine my disappointment if i were here to make you happy
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Old 01-26-2007, 01:51 PM   #3
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Don't laugh!" said the patient, Scotty Da Q.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Scotty Da Q said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.

Now...what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Scotty Da Q replied.
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Old 01-26-2007, 01:59 PM   #4
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I don't care who ya are....now that there's damn funny!
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Old 01-26-2007, 02:23 PM   #5
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A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart ....Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Are you blind or just stupid? Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
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Old 01-26-2007, 03:06 PM   #6
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Old 01-26-2007, 05:00 PM   #7
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NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,"Looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and
led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I
hope not, it's only 2130 now."



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: FISHY STORY



An Ontario man was stopped by a game warden in Bayfield recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well ?"

"Well, what?" said the man.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

We in Ontario may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb as most.
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Old 01-27-2007, 01:33 AM   #8
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A young soldier arrived in Iraq and his Sergeant was showing him around the camp. After the tour when asked if he had any questions the young soldier asked, "Sarge, what do you guys do out here for relieving the stress of combat?" The Sergeant, knowing he was asking about sex, told the soldier, "We've taken possession of one of the native camel's and he's tied up outside the back of the mess tent.

Several nights later most of the camp is awakened by a terrible noise coming from the rear of the mess tent and the Sergeant runs back and finds the young soldier just putting it to this poor camel and he yells, "Soldier, what the Hell do you think you're doing?"

The soldier, all embarrassed, replies, "Well Sarge, when I asked about, well, you know, you told me about the camel...so" The Sergeant says I know I did son, but why can't you be like the rest of the men and just ride him into town."
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Old 01-27-2007, 05:06 AM   #9
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When Osama bin Laden died, he was met at the Pearly Gates
by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and
yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped
conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and
shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This
is why I allowed our government to provide for the common
defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and
snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the
Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason,
James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their
anger on the terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin
Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians
waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
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Old 01-28-2007, 12:53 PM   #10
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Little Johhny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about
things.

"Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming
up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Little Johnny thought for a second and asked.........

"So why do you have so much hair?"
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Old 01-28-2007, 12:59 PM   #11
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A man lost both ears in an accident.

No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.

He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.

The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I can put
you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his
hotel.

The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells,
"You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."

"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."

"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!
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Old 01-28-2007, 04:13 PM   #12
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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, and a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Griff
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Old 01-28-2007, 04:58 PM   #13
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One of my favorites, which can't be posted here, may be found in the Blue Room.
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Old 01-30-2007, 04:00 AM   #14
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John was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his
wife.

He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and
today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.

She fumed, "John! John!! Put down that paper and let's talk about how
we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today.
What do you suggest?"

John put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared
for a moment into the distance, then said, "How about two minutes of
silence?"
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Old 01-30-2007, 05:06 AM   #15
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Baby Skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks
her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side
of the
road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she
said to
her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get
it
warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

She asks, "Where will I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold it's nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died
at the scene
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Old 01-30-2007, 05:48 AM   #16
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Larry worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Larry said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Larry came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Larry?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Larry, you didn't" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." he replied.

"My God, Larry, what happened?"

"I got fired."
"No, Larry. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."
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Old 01-30-2007, 06:04 AM   #17
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Subject: Tough Exam
>
> An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
> of his physical exam.
>
> The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
> back a semen sample tomorrow."
>
> The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
> gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
>
> The doctor asked what happened? The man explained: "Well, doc, it's
> like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
> with my left hand, but still nothing.
>
> Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with
> her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth
> in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene,
> the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
> armpit. And she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still
> nothing."
>
> The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
>
> The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."
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Old 01-30-2007, 05:20 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wboggs
The Perfect Relationship

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie
to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
ROFL!!! I like that one.
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Old 01-30-2007, 05:58 PM   #19
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A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
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Old 02-01-2007, 11:41 AM   #20
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An older couple are at the airport waiting to go through security, they've been in line for almost an hour when the man behind them asks the older gent where you traveling to? The old man says we're going to Buffalo to see the wife's sister.

The older lady being a little hard of hearing says, "What did he say, what did he say?" and her husband says he wanted to know where we were going. The wife says, "Oh."

Then the man asks the older guy, how long they were going to be in Buffalo and he replies about a week, and once again his wife says, "What'd he say, what'd say?" Her husband starting to get a little upset, responds, he wanted to know how long we were going to be there, and the wife says, "Oh."

Again the man asks the older guy, "Where you all from?", and the older man says, "We're from Detroit." and the guy says, "Boy I had the worse piece of ass in my life in Detroit." The older lady grabs her husbands arm and says' "What'd he say, what'd he say?" The old man looks at her and yells, "He said he thinks he knows you."
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