Heard any good jokes lately?

[Bobberqer]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking
from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful
death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch
him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den
watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into
the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the
beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and
finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the
freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS!

 

[bknox]

BEAR ADVISORY!

Bear Advisory:

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillion, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black and grizzly bear droppings: Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

 

[bknox]

Scam Warning

Scam Warning:

A 'Heads Up' for those of us men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works.

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowes.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also October 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.

 

[Diva Q]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
> >> channels.
> >> She asked, 'What's on TV?'
> >> I said, 'Dust.'
> >>
> >> And then the arguing started..................
> >>
> >> I took my wife to a restaurant.
> >> The waiter, for some reason, took my order
> >> first."I'll have the strip steak,
> >> medium rare, please."
> >> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad
> >> cow?"
> >> "Nah, she can order for herself."
> >>
> >> And then the arguing started.....................
> >>
> >> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light
> >> for $14.95.
> >> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
> >> I told her the beer would make her look better at night
> >> than the cold cream
> >>
> >> And then the arguing started.....................
> >>
> >> My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
> >> I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
> >>
> >> And then the arguing started....................
> >>
> >> I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
> >> anniversary? "
> >> It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
> >> appreciation.
> >> "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
> >> she said.
> >> So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
> >>
> >> And then the arguing started...................
> >>
> >> My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
> >> while we were in
> >> bed.
> >> I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have
> >> sex?"
> >> "No," she answered.
> >> I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
> >> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
> >> "Yes."
> >> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
> >>
> >> And that's when the arguing started..............
> >>

 

[Bobberqer]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't te ll me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed uncontrolably....

"When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.


If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

 

[Bobberqer]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...


The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the
86-year-old said,"Things are great and I've never felt better".

"I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit, he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."


The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 

[Bobberqer]

A couple who have been married for 20 years were lying in bed one night, when the wife suddenly felt her husband begin to touch her in ways
he hadn't in quite some time.



It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.



He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, then he slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.


He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently down her leg to her calf.


Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.



He continued in the same manner on her right side and then suddenly he stopped, rolled over and became silent.


As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'


He said, 'I found the remote.

 

[Bobberqer]

A SHORT LOVE STORY

man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed, and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.


At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the women, saying

'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that
we're married.'


'Wow!..................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own @#$%^blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

 

[Bobberqer]

A guy checked into his motel, and said to the lady at teh front desk

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

 

[bknox]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Whats with the long face"

 

[Bobberqer]

The Dot

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP FOR ME....

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C. has recently revealed the true story.



When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States .

If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones at Dell giving technical advice.

 

[Bobberqer]

Nag Nag Nag!!!

A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.



His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.



As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.



Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey, then headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.



While he was in the bath, the phone rang.



The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. That Wright would not be hanged tonight.



Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.



As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.



They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.



To which he whirled around and screamed,



"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

 

[Gary in VA]

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely chit my pants."

 

[Bruce B]

Denny's has added a new breakfast item to their menu...it's called the Octo-Omelette; 8 eggs, no sausage and the guy in the next booth pays for it.

 

[mar52]

When you're having that Octo Omelet order A Sully to was it down....

Two shots of Grey Goose with a splash of water.

 

[ScottyDaQ]

So a baby seal walks into a club ..........

 

[Griff]

Preaching to a Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, 'WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a full body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start...'

 

[Diva Q]

lol

 

[Nick Prochilo]

IRISH SAUSAGES

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have
a lot of money between them, they could only raise the
staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow
me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how
much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any
money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have
a plan. Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll
stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your
knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more
drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't
think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees
are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't
even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

 

[Pigs On The Wing BBQ]

Old Carson

http://cgi.fark.com/cgi/fark/vidplayer. ... nk=4051568
I think it's great!

Pigs