Heard any good jokes lately?

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Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs......... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide next to the garage behind my offset cooker so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".

It was at that moment, crouching behind my cooker, that I noticed that the temperature inside the cooking chamber was 40-50 degrees cooler opposite the firebox. Is this something I can fix myself using tuning plates and how thick should the tuning plates be?
 
Little Johnny went up to his father and said, "Dad, the teacher gave us an assignment to determine the difference between ?potentially? and ?realistically?. Can you help me?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So little Johnny went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University."

Little Johnny then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

Little Johnny then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

Little Johnny pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

Little Johnny replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars.............
But Realistically,.........we're living with two sluts and a queer."
 
Two hicks from West Virginia got married and were having their honeymoon in a local motel. They begin doing what honeymooners always do, but right before they consummate the marriage the woman says, "Be gentle, I'm a virgin."
The man is shocked and visibly upset and storms out of the room without saying a word. He goes home to his family and tells them what happened, and his dad agrees, "If she isn't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for you!"
 
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."



Mrs. Smith fainted
 
Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS........



What's the difference between a PMSer and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with the terrorist



GUIDE TO SURVIVING PMS:

DANGEROUS: "What's for dinner?"
SAFER: "Can I help you with dinner?"
SAFEST: "Where would you like to go for dinner?"

DANGEROUS: "Are you wearing THAT?"
SAFER: "Gee, you look good in brown."
SAFEST: "Wow! Look at you!"

DANGEROUS: "What are you so worked up about?"
SAFER: "Could we be overreacting?"
SAFEST: "Here's fifty dollars."

DANGEROUS: "Should you be eating that?"
SAFER: "You know, there are a lot of apples left."
SAFEST: "Can I get you a glass of wine with that?"

DANGEROUS: "What did you DO all day?"
SAFER: "I hope you didn't overdo today."
SAFEST: "I've always loved you in that robe."


This older couple was sitting around their apartment; she was clipping coupons while he was reading the bible.

The old man said to his wife, "You know honey, everything you ever wanted to know about life is in here."

She returned, "Well, maybe not EVERYTHING, dear."

He replied back, "Sure, just name one thing I can't find in here."

She said, "PMS-you won't find anything about it in there."

He began flipping through the pages, going from one chapter to another, pausing for a few seconds only before going on to the next page. After about 10 minutes, he looked up at his wife and said, "Aha! Here it is, I told you everything was in here."

Then he proceeded to begin reading the script "... and Mary rode Joseph's ass..."
 
Afternoon "Quickie"
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their
8- year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony
with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he
shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board...."

After a few moments he announced, " The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called
out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
 
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I
wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
and how I can make a woman truly happy.

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
 
The #2 pencil...

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too cute)!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once a gain, John ny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,” Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, John ny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted
 
Breakfast

She's in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, when he walks in.

She turns and says, "You have to make love to me -- this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "Holy Smokes - this is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all,

On the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "The egg timer's broken."
 
my favorite

A man with a black eye walks into a bar. He notices another man with a black eye sitting at the other end & takes the empty seat next to him.
"Hey -- I notice you've got a black eye as well. Let me buy you a beer & we'll swap stories". He sits down, buys a round & starts "I was in a travel agent's office. She was a gorgeous, very well endowed blonde. What I meant to say is 'Give me 2 tickets to Pittsburgh', what came out was 'Give me 2 pickets to titsburgh. She slugged me."
The other man takes a drink & says "Man, that's almost exactly what happened to me. I was sitting across the breakfast table from my wife. What I meant to say was 'Honey, would you please pass the sugar'. What came out was 'You b*#^, you ruined my life............
 
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink.



The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.



The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar --

A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks -- this is OK.



Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

.... In one-second the sharp lime taste hits...
.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
.... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.



When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says............

"Blow Job Revenge"

:shock:
 
the tax system you support

Here is the tax system you support; at work.
I don't care what politics you subscribe to, this is an important story.
It's a great way to understand tax economics.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all
ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it
would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the
arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you
are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of
your daily beer by $20." Drinks for the ten men now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so
the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.
But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share? They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that
from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each
end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that
it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount,
and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four
continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men
began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20, "declared the sixth man. He pointed
to the tenth man," but he got $10!" "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the
fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!" "That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!" "Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat
down and had beer without him. But when it came time to pay the bill,
they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money
between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is
how our tax system works.

The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction.

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

:? :shock:
 
Obama wants to punish the tenth guy and take his money and give it to the first 5 for doing nothing but being lazy freeloaders. Wake up people!!

Puff go have another beer. :roll:
 
Bobberqer
Your numbers are way out it's more like we have 100 men
the hundreth guy earns 50% of the income each year and controls
90% of the total money in cirulation.

In the last 5 years year number 100's income has increased 300% while
number 90 through 1 has increased 3%.

While enjoying this good fortune he decides I really like this and since I'm this postition I'm going to spread the wealth. What I'll do is insure that congress keeps things going the way I want by buying legislation that benefits me and give these honorable men and women in congress nice paying jobs when they decide to leave congress. Hell I will pay them to go back congress to buy votes to keep this trend going.

We all know that Trickle Down Economy is the only way to go, look at how good it is working right now. Great economy, no inflation, everyone knows we never have to pay back any of this money that we just gave to the bankers. Oh by the way you all in the part of the country that's building autos don't worry the big three are getting in line for their bailout.
Nothing but good times ahead.
 
Uncle Bubba said:
Obama wants to punish the tenth guy and take his money and give it to the first 5 for doing nothing but being lazy freeloaders. Wake up people!!

Puff go have another beer. :roll:
Obama who?? :? ;)
 
Staying in line with the real theme of this thread here is my daughters favorite joke of all time:



What did the zero say to the eight?


























Nice belt :)
 
Why'd the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

SARAH PALIN: You betcha he crossed the road, but let's not talk about that, let's talk about energy policy, and how gosh darn hard it is for a middle-class hockey mom to manage the budget of the only state in America with a massive surplus, especially while surrounded by countless Russian and Canadian chickens we have to keep an eye on.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day One! - that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. . . What is your definition of crossing?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

OPRAH : Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks .

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain ... alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss
 
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