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Old 04-08-2012, 08:32 PM   #311
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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick Prochilo
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Larry, Scotty and Susan.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susan felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Larry & Scotty was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.





It was tragic, but Larry & Scotty managed to get through it. After a while, Larry & Scotty's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.





Well, a couple more years went by and Larry & Scotty began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.





So, they buried Susan.

And, well, after a couple of more months went by... Larry & Scotty felt so horrible about what they were doing....


.... they dug her back up.
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Old 05-08-2012, 12:40 PM   #312
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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?

Idle Thoughts Of A Retiree's Wandering Mind:

I had amnesia once---or twice
********************

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
********************

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy
********************

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
********************

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
********************

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
********************

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
********************

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
********************

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
********************

How can there be self-help "groups"?
********************

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
********************

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
********************

Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
********************
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Old 05-11-2012, 06:20 PM   #313
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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.


Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.


Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.


Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.


Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.


Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the once again group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.


Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.


Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.
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Old 05-12-2012, 10:08 PM   #314
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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him,

"Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the responsibilities of sex.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her,

"Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.
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Old 05-23-2012, 07:16 PM   #315
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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:
"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
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Old 04-13-2013, 01:25 PM   #316
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I guess we have proof now...

He really does.
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Old 04-20-2013, 08:24 AM   #317
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FLASH... THIS JUST IN.. All the toilets in New York City have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on .
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Old 05-03-2014, 09:27 AM   #318
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This is not my house!

Contrary to what you may have heard, this is not my house
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Old 05-03-2014, 12:11 PM   #319
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob In Fla. View Post
Idle Thoughts Of A Retiree's Wandering Mind:

I had amnesia once---or twice
********************

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
********************

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy
********************

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
********************

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
********************

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
********************

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
********************

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
********************

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
********************

How can there be self-help "groups"?
********************

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
********************

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
********************

Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
********************

Thats a killer and needs to be on FB. If it aint already.
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Old 05-05-2014, 12:49 AM   #320
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It would be better if they got a Weber!
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