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Old 02-06-2012, 05:09 PM   #291
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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?

Hopefully you save me a trip to put that one on FB. Sorry Nick Prez Nixon was one of my favorites.


Quote:
Originally Posted by bbquzz
I couldn't resist ... this is so good ... and true!
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Old 02-15-2012, 05:48 AM   #292
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Heard any good jokes lately?

What's six inches long and not getting sucked tonight?





















Whitney Houston's crack pipe


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Old 02-15-2012, 07:59 PM   #293
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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?

Lol thats cold but sorta funny. Have yall heard about Leroy's hearing? I just got it the other day from my brother. It was hilarious. Prob made the rounds on the net by now. Any aint heard it or seen it speak up and somebody will give it out in prose or something.


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What's six inches long and not getting sucked tonight?





















Whitney Houston's crack pipe


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Old 02-15-2012, 09:10 PM   #294
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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy obeys and says,
"99".
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left sideand again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,
'99".
Again, the old guy says,
'99'."
The doctor said, “Very good”.
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis
to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy begins,








"One...












two…
















three…"
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Old 02-16-2012, 06:31 PM   #295
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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?

Thats funny.
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Old 02-17-2012, 09:52 AM   #296
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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?

An oldie...


....Happy and Sad..

..A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".

..The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time”.

....She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
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Old 02-19-2012, 09:37 AM   #297
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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a
door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs.. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

**
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Old 02-19-2012, 11:22 AM   #298
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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?

Magic Penis
>
> A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip,
> so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her
> occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his
> situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't
> know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for
> so many weeks, except.... the Magic Penis!'
>
> The husband said, 'The what'?
>
> The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and
> pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
>
> The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a
> dildo!'
>
> The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic
> Penis, door!'
>
> The penis rose out of its box, darted
> over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook
> wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began
> to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic
> Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and
> returned to the box.
>
> The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
> After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife
> remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box
> and said 'Magic Penis, my crotch.' The penis
> shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After
> three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and
> decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out,
> but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her
> how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car
> and started for the closest hospital.
> On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm
> made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and
> immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and
> then asked how much she'd had to drink.
>
> Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't
> had anything to drink officer You see, I've got
> this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't
> stop screwing me.'
>
> The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and
> replied, 'Yeah right.... Magic Penis, my ass....!'
>
> The rest, as they say, is history...
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Old 02-19-2012, 09:18 PM   #299
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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?

How come only 10% of women go to heaven? Because if 100% went it would be hell.
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Old 02-28-2012, 06:45 PM   #300
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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?

One of the best analogies I've seen!
================================================== =======
Republicans don't understand THE DEBT CEILING.
Liberals don't understand THE DEBT CEILING.
Democrats don't understand THE DEBT CEILING.

Allow me to explain:

Let's say, you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup
in your neighborhood.
Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.
What do you think you should do?


Raise the ceilings or pump out the Shit?
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