Heard any good jokes lately?

[007bond-jb]

rules for Baton Rouge

1. First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Batt'n Roodge.


2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Baton Rouge has its own version of traffic rules... Hold on.....and pray.


3. All directions start with, "Get on I-10"...which has no beginning and no end.

4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a "scenic drive."


5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will get rear-ended.


7. Hoo Shoo Too Road can only be pronounced by a native.

8. Construction on I-12 is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment.

9. All unfamiliar sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we are in Denham Springs!"

10. If you actually see someone with their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

11. All old ladies with blue hair in Cadillacs have the right of way.


12. Lots of streets mysteriously change names as you cross intersections.

13. If asking directions downtown, you keep your window rolled up and write your questions on a piece of paper.


14. A trip across town will take a minimum of an hour.

15. Don't carry money, jewelry, family, etc., on Plank Road.


16. The wrought iron on windows downtown isn't ornamental.

17. If you leave one car length for every 10 MPH speed between you and the car in front of you, somebody will cut in.

18. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking. I'm reloading."


19. For directions sake, you must know the difference between the "New" bridge & the "Old" bridge as also you should know the difference between the "New" mall and the "Old" mall.


And finally,



20. Anyone trying to get within 5 miles of the LSU campus on the day of an LSU Football game either does not live in Baton Rouge or has lost his mind

 

[007bond-jb]

Peace plan

You gotta love Robin Williams.....
Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin
Williams to come up with the perfect
plan. What we need now is for our
UN Ambassador to stand up and
repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to
argue with this logic!)

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace
but I have not heard of a plan for
peace. So, here's one plan."

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past &present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ole boys", we will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave.We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered u p and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available
to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort
to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given
to the army. The people who need
it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way , no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer
saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "

If you agree with the above forward it to friends...If not, and I would be amazed, DELETE it!!

 

[Captain Morgan]

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/williams.asp

 

[Kloset BBQR]

Thanks for setting the record straight Cappy. I think you may have opened a can of worms. Now everyone will be checking Snopes to verify your inventions!

You invented Snopes, didn't you?

 

[Bobberqer]

OLD MAN


An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for
several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed
up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly
shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to
the pond to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a
while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back
some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny-dippin in his pond. He made the women
aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming
out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out
of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed
the alligator."


Old men can still think fast.

 

[Bobberqer]

Did you hear about the Indian chief who traded in his forty
year old squaw for two twenty year olds?

A couple of weeks later a couple of fellow braves saw him back with his forty year old squaw.


They said, "What happened to your two twenty year olds?"

The Chief replied, "Me no wired for 220!"
:roll:

 

[Bobberqer]

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME
WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;....FIX THE LIGHT, NOW?....
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS, HE SAYS.
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.


AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL..........., WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.


HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?

SHE REPLIED,

HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

 

[Bobberqer]

A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer feared that the dog was going
deaf.

It wouldn't come when called, heel as he had been trained to do
nor obey any other voice commands.

So she took her dog to the vet.

The vet examined the dog thoroughly and announced that there was nothing wrong except the dog had excessive hair growing in its ears which was the cause of his diminished hearing.

"He can't hear you, but he is not deaf. You must treat him with a
depilatory. I haven't any in stock, but just get some 'Neet' or 'Nair'
at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggie
brand."

So the lady went to the nearest pharmacy, located a small bottle of
'Nair' and looked over the instructions. But there was nothing in there
pertinent to her dog. So she took it to the pharmacist and asked his
advice.

"How do I apply this product?", she inquired. "Do I put it on right out
of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?"

The man replied, "For your legs, put it on straight, right out of the
bottle. For your underarms, I recommend you dilute it 50-50 with
water."

She blushed, "I don't think you understand, it's for my schnauzer."

"Oh,yes" replied the pharmacist, peering at her over his spectacles.

"In that case, I suggest you dilute it 3 to 1 with water..... oh, and by the
way, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a few days."

 

[Bobberqer]

Rocker Ted Nugent, an avid hunter, was being interviewed by a French journalist.

The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the mind of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?"

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they
care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the
French."

 

[Gary in VA]

WHAT SHE SEZ: WHAT SHE REALLY MEANS:

"We need" I want
"This Kitchen is so ____" I want a new house
"I want new curtains" and carpet, and furniture, and ...
"I need a new pair of shoes" the other 40 are all the wrong color
"I only need a soap dish" We'll check out ALL the sale items
"Those are a bargain" Did you bring your checkbook ?
"Does this dress look OK ?" I need a new wardrobe
"Look at this coat!" Is VISA maxed out ?
"You're so attentive tonite" Is sex all you ever think about ?
"It's just... I'm soooo tired" Get away from me, you sex maniac
"It's been such a hectic day" Get away from me, you sex maniac
"Hon! I just did my hair" Get away from me, you sex maniac
"Are the kids asleep ?" Get away from me, you sex maniac
"Won't you be late for work ?" Get away from me, you sex maniac
"Turn out the lights first" My thighs looked flabby today
"Of course I like making love" Is this gonna take much longer ?
"You're ... so manly" You need a shave and a shower
"You have such a manly scent" For God's sake. Use some deodorant
"My, don't you look comfortable" Go put on a shirt, slob
"So nice to see you relaxing" Don't sit around in your underwear
"I'm not upset !" Of course I'm upset, you moron
"I'm not emotional !" You'd be too, if you married an idiot
"I'm not mad at all" I can't believe you're that stupid
"Yes, I'm still talking to you" I can't believe you're that stupid
"I'm not being quiet" I can't believe you're that stupid
"Nothing is wrong" Other than you're such an asshole
"Hang the picture there" NO -- there ! Can't you listen ?
"Hon, I hate to interrupt..." Turn off the damn TV
"When you get a chance ..." Get up & do it rite now !
"When you get time ... " Get up & do it rite now !
"I just remembered ..." Get up & do it rite now !
"No hurry, but ..." Get up & do it rite now !
"Did you lock the front door ?" Get up & go check, now !
"I think I heard a noise" Get up & go check, now !
"Was that the baby ?" Check the baby & change/walk him
"Just reminding you" I've asked you a dozen damn times
"Do you love me ?" I want something expensive
"How much do you love me ?" I did something terrible
"Be ready in a minute" Find a game on TV
"Is my butt fat ?" Tell me I'm beautiful
"Do you like this lipstick ?" Tell me I'm beautiful
"Should I get my hair cut ?" Tell me I'm beautiful
"Yes" No
"Maybe" No
"Well... we'll see" No
"Perhaps" No
"If you think so" No
"Let's think about it" No
"Shouldn't we wait ?" No
"Let's not rush things" No
"No" NO !!! NEVER !!! NO WAY !!!
"I'm sorry" You'll be sorry
"Do you forgive me ?" You'll be sorry
"Well, I was upset" You'll be sorry
"Well, I was tired" You'll be sorry
"Well, I had a headache" You'll be sorry
"Do what you want" You'll pay for this later, big time
"Do what you think best" You'll pay for this later, big time
"You know more about it" You'll pay for this later, big time
"As I recall, it was your idea" You'll pay for this later, big time
"Yes, I've calmed down" You'll pay for this later, big time
"I realize it was my fault sweetheart" You ain't seen nothing yet !
"It's your decision" The correct decision is obvious
"Sure... go ahead" Don't you dare, you clown
You like this recipe ? It's easy to fix
"Do you want to eat out ?" I forgot to go grocery shopping
"What do you want for dinner ?" I don't feel like cooking
"You seen that new restaurant ?" I don't feel like cooking
"It's your Mother's recipe" You'd better damn sight eat that
"You liked that the last time" You'd better damn sight eat that
"Don't want to talk yet" Go away, I'm building up steam
"Just need some time to think" Go away, I'm building up steam
"We need to talk" I need to complain
"Learn to communicate" Just agree with me
"I am not yelling !" This is important, you idiot !
"Are you listening to me ???" [Too late, you're dead]
"Our anniversary's coming up" When I think of who I could've married
"The kids were so bad today" Your gene pool needs more chlorine

 

[SteerCrazy]

anyone hear the joke about the bed????

 

[Bobberqer]

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so
we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law
was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and
said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we
couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:





Always keep your condoms in your car........

 

[Bobberqer]

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

 

[Diva Q]

good study

 

[Green Hornet]

I come home from work and see my wife packing her suitcase.
I asked her what she was doing.
She tells me she is going to New York City cuz she heard prostitues can earn $400 doing what she does for me for free.
I went over and started to pack my own suitcase.
She asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was going with her.
I want to see how she is going to live on $800 a year. :roll:

 

[john a]

That's cool

 

[Bobberqer]

THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES OF 2006:


Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Imagine that!


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!


Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Whaaat??

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!


War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
You think?!


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!


Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!


And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

 

[Nick Prochilo]

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me -- this
very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all
on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "The egg timer's broken."

 

[Bobberqer]

National Institute of Health ( NIH) Report

Brand new NIH studies show that women who drink tea are twice as likely to get pregnant.

Related studies have revealed that women who drink Long Island Ice Tea
are twice as likely to wake up in the back seat of a Camaro with sticky
hair.

 

[Nick Prochilo]

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that
can store and play music inside women's breasts. The iBoob is considered
to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.