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Old 02-02-2007, 04:29 AM   #21
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TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND,
the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
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Old 02-02-2007, 02:58 PM   #22
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My My . How Times have Changed

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1973 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.

2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1973 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.

2007 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and get s an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.
+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1973 - Ants die.

2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.

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Old 02-02-2007, 03:00 PM   #23
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This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.




Well, my job is done .....Your turn!
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Old 02-02-2007, 03:10 PM   #24
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Old 02-02-2007, 03:36 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Diva Q
Is that Dats?
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Old 02-02-2007, 04:36 PM   #26
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No wonder why he's always grumpy...
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Never trust a skinny cook!!!!!!!!
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Old 02-02-2007, 05:01 PM   #27
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[smilie=a_rolling.gif] [smilie=a_makeitstop.gif] [smilie=a_rolling.gif]
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The weather is here.... wish you were beautiful

Imagine my disappointment if i were here to make you happy
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Old 02-09-2007, 07:50 AM   #28
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Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's
worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked
for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and
yack it up with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to
like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless



Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him
anymore!

You're a United States Senator from New York running for President
of the United States.

Act like one.

Abby
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Old 02-09-2007, 12:30 PM   #29
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A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become an auto mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler!"
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Old 02-09-2007, 12:31 PM   #30
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Arlo T. was in trouble. He forgot Valentines day.

His wife, Mandie Lou was really ticked off.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Arlo T. got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-wrapped box right in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it - - - - and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Arlo has been missing since Friday.
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Barbeque. Sit back, relax, and let the smoke work it's magic!

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