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Old 02-02-2007, 04:29 AM   #21
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TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND,
the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
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Old 02-02-2007, 02:58 PM   #22
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My My . How Times have Changed

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1973 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.

2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1973 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.

2007 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and get s an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.
+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1973 - Ants die.

2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.

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Old 02-02-2007, 03:00 PM   #23
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This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.




Well, my job is done .....Your turn!
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Old 02-02-2007, 03:10 PM   #24
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Life is too short for bad BBQ

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Old 02-02-2007, 03:36 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Diva Q
Is that Dats?
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Old 02-02-2007, 04:36 PM   #26
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No wonder why he's always grumpy...
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Old 02-02-2007, 05:01 PM   #27
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[smilie=a_rolling.gif] [smilie=a_makeitstop.gif] [smilie=a_rolling.gif]
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The weather is here.... wish you were beautiful

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Old 02-09-2007, 07:50 AM   #28
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Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's
worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked
for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and
yack it up with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to
like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless



Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him
anymore!

You're a United States Senator from New York running for President
of the United States.

Act like one.

Abby
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Old 02-09-2007, 12:30 PM   #29
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A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become an auto mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler!"
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Old 02-09-2007, 12:31 PM   #30
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Arlo T. was in trouble. He forgot Valentines day.

His wife, Mandie Lou was really ticked off.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Arlo T. got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-wrapped box right in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it - - - - and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Arlo has been missing since Friday.
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Old 02-09-2007, 02:54 PM   #31
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There's some funny stuff floating around here lmao!!!
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Old 02-11-2007, 06:14 AM   #32
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The Big One ~


It was a hot Sunday mornin'
Middle of July
The choir was a singin'
'Bout the sweet by and by

Everybody was a swayin'
And sweatin' in the heat
We all bowed our heads down
As the preacher took his seat

My sister and my brother
Stood next to my mother
In the quiet at the close of the verse
That's when daddy cut the big one
At the Horn Lake Mississippi
Missionary Baptist Church

My sister rolled her eyes back
My brother bit his lip
My cousin just behind us
Whispered, "Hey, who let it rip?"

I stuck my face in my shirtsleeve
Stared down at my shoes
Lord, you could hear a pin drop
As we stood there in the pew
Heads were turnin', eyes were burnin'

Momma stuck her nose in her purse
After daddy cut the big one
At the Horn Lake Mississippi
Missionary Baptist Church

He cut the big one
It was a stinker
Then he broke the silence
With a snicker
And us kids started laughin'
'Til I thought we was all gonna burst
After daddy cut the big one
At the Horn Lake Mississippi
Missionary Baptist Church

He said, "The devil made me do it"
Momma said it was the liverwurst
And that's why daddy cut the big one
At the Horn Lake Mississippi
Missionary Baptist Church
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Old 02-11-2007, 06:17 AM   #33
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This is a test for us maturing kids!




The answers are printed below, but don't cheat.


READY????? Here we go!


01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?____________


02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The __________________ Show.


03. "Get your kicks, ___________________."


04. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been


changed___________________."


05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."


06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the "_____________."


07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S," Nestle's makes the very best _______________."


08. Satchmo was America's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.


09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________


10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and "_______________."


11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their____________.


12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in


the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ____________ & _______________.


13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died." This was a tribute to ___________________.


14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.


15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________________


Scroll Down




















! ANSWERS:


01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.


02. The Ed Sullivan Show.


03. On Route 66.


04. To protect the innocent.


05. The Lion sleeps tonight.


06. The limbo.


07. Chocolate.


08. Louis Armstrong.


09. The Timex watch.


10. Freddy, The Freeloader, and "Good Night, and may God Bless."


11. Draft cards. (Bras were also burned.)


12. Beetle or Bug.


13. Buddy Holly.


14. Sputnik.


15. Hoola-hoop.
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Old 02-11-2007, 06:47 AM   #34
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A not so patient woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center.

Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies.

By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme
hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman
remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. ..."With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have , you'll be home in no time."
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Old 02-12-2007, 03:32 PM   #35
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Blue Pigeon

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in
Phoenix.

The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city.

All of Phoenix was full of pigeon droppings

The people of Phoenix couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads.

It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I
can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the
city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay
me five million dollars and ask one question."

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon.

The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright
blue Arizona sky.

All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon. They gathered up behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop
City Hall.

The Mayor was very impressed.

He thought the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor
presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that,
indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to
no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5
million just to get to ask ONE question!

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.




The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"
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Old 02-12-2007, 06:34 PM   #36
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The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Puff's turn. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night... He sat up and watched me all night long."
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Old 02-12-2007, 08:51 PM   #37
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PUFF [smilie=a_holyshit.gif] [smilie=a_disconcerted.gif]
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Old 02-12-2007, 09:02 PM   #38
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick Prochilo
The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Puff's turn. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night... He sat up and watched me all night long."
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Old 02-13-2007, 07:22 AM   #39
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Irish vs. French War



Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down
at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you
that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself,
me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 m en in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring ya back.

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks
and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke"

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to ya."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified
Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the
cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us a s well."

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface- to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring ya back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to inform ya that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change
of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and
finally decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 French
prisoners."

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Old 02-13-2007, 05:27 PM   #40
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A young woman on a flight from Germany asked the Catholic Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Have a good day."
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