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Old 01-28-2007, 12:59 PM   #11
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Location: Lindenhurst, NY
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A man lost both ears in an accident.

No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution.

He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.

The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I can put
you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his

The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells,
"You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."

"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."

"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!

Aim for Sucess, not perfection
Good Country, This America
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Old 01-28-2007, 04:13 PM   #12
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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, and a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.


Friends don't let friends eat farmed fish.

"People sleep peacefully in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to visit violence on those who would do them harm."
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Old 01-28-2007, 04:58 PM   #13
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One of my favorites, which can't be posted here, may be found in the Blue Room.
"If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?"
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Old 01-30-2007, 04:00 AM   #14
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John was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his

He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and
today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.

She fumed, "John! John!! Put down that paper and let's talk about how
we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today.
What do you suggest?"

John put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared
for a moment into the distance, then said, "How about two minutes of
Aim for Sucess, not perfection
Good Country, This America
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Old 01-30-2007, 05:06 AM   #15

Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Essex Jct. Vermont
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Baby Skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side
of the
road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she
said to
her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get
warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

She asks, "Where will I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold it's nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
at the scene

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Old 01-30-2007, 05:48 AM   #16
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Larry worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Larry said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Larry came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Larry?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Larry, you didn't" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." he replied.

"My God, Larry, what happened?"

"I got fired."
"No, Larry. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."
I hope this isn't negative!
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Old 01-30-2007, 06:04 AM   #17
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Location: Barrie, Ontario
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Subject: Tough Exam
> An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part
> of his physical exam.
> The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
> back a semen sample tomorrow."
> The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
> gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
> The doctor asked what happened? The man explained: "Well, doc, it's
> like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
> with my left hand, but still nothing.
> Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with
> her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth
> in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene,
> the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
> armpit. And she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still
> nothing."
> The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
> The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."


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Old 01-30-2007, 05:20 PM   #18
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Location: In ur house, eatin ur foodz.
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Originally Posted by wboggs
The Perfect Relationship

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie
to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
ROFL!!! I like that one.
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Old 01-30-2007, 05:58 PM   #19
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A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
I hope this isn't negative!
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Old 02-01-2007, 11:41 AM   #20
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An older couple are at the airport waiting to go through security, they've been in line for almost an hour when the man behind them asks the older gent where you traveling to? The old man says we're going to Buffalo to see the wife's sister.

The older lady being a little hard of hearing says, "What did he say, what did he say?" and her husband says he wanted to know where we were going. The wife says, "Oh."

Then the man asks the older guy, how long they were going to be in Buffalo and he replies about a week, and once again his wife says, "What'd he say, what'd say?" Her husband starting to get a little upset, responds, he wanted to know how long we were going to be there, and the wife says, "Oh."

Again the man asks the older guy, "Where you all from?", and the older man says, "We're from Detroit." and the guy says, "Boy I had the worse piece of ass in my life in Detroit." The older lady grabs her husbands arm and says' "What'd he say, what'd he say?" The old man looks at her and yells, "He said he thinks he knows you."

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