Heard any good jokes lately?

[Bob In Fla.]

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

 

[bbquzz]

Super Tuesday In Ohio ...

My final vote ...

I spent a long time looking over the ballot, I've gotten many pieces in the mail, from an assortment of politicians. Some I could not tell whether they were for or against a candidate. I got phone calls from the Governor of Ohio, and all the Presidential candidates. I got calls from people I had never heard from, some endorsements were good and some bad.

My mind was a blur by the time I got to the polling place. I showed them my drivers license and got what I needed to vote.

I stood in front of that machine for a long while, trying to decide. I finally did a write in ...

I wrote in "Walmart." They seem to know how to run things, how to expand, how to merchandise, how to pacify local governments, how to make friends around the world, so I voted for them.

 

[Rag1]

Good vote. I might have seen you in one of their slideshows. Do you have a red mohawk, ass crack sticking out and purple pumps?

 

[bbquzz]

Long or short Mohawk? Mine is a short one and it is really more orange than red, it was probably me you saw in the picture

 

[Bob In Fla.]

O'Malley

 

[Nick Prochilo]

Just found this baby photo of Larry, thought I would share
[attachment=0:2pro69vo]OMG.jpeg[/attachment:2pro69vo]

 

[NewHeart]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.

He decides to test it out on his son at supper. "Where were you last night?"

"I was at the library."

The robot slaps the son.

"OK I was at a friend's house," the son admits.

Doing what?" asked the father "Watching a movie: Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

"OK it was porn!" cried the son. Father yells "What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother.

 

[auplexgrill]

http://auplexgrill.com/productlist.asp

 

[Nick Prochilo]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Larry, Scotty and Susan.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susan felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Larry & Scotty was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.





It was tragic, but Larry & Scotty managed to get through it. After a while, Larry & Scotty's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.





Well, a couple more years went by and Larry & Scotty began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.





So, they buried Susan.

 

[bbquzz]

Texas Police do care:
I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying
that they don't care about or respect others. Well, here is a story that
clearly
shows not all cops are in that category.

This story involves the police
department in the small hill country town of Fredericksburg , TX who
reported
finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening in the
Pedernales River
near the state highway-87 bridge. The dead man's name would not be
released
until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to
excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Kerrville . He
was
wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt,
a pink
G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 1/2 inch false
eyelashes
and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his
family any unnecessary embarrassment.

See there, Texas police do
care.

 

[Gary in VA]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Larry, Scotty and Susan.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susan felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Larry & Scotty was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.





It was tragic, but Larry & Scotty managed to get through it. After a while, Larry & Scotty's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.





Well, a couple more years went by and Larry & Scotty began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.





So, they buried Susan.

And, well, after a couple of more months went by... Larry & Scotty felt so horrible about what they were doing....


.... they dug her back up.

 

[Bob In Fla.]

Idle Thoughts Of A Retiree's Wandering Mind:

I had amnesia once---or twice
********************

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
********************

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy
********************

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
********************

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
********************

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
********************

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
********************

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
********************

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
********************

How can there be self-help "groups"?
********************

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
********************

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
********************

Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
********************

 

[Bob In Fla.]

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.


Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.


Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.


Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.


Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.


Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the once again group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.


Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.


Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

 

[NewHeart]

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him,

"Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the responsibilities of sex.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her,

"Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

 

[NewHeart]

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:
"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

 

[bbquzz]

I guess we have proof now...

He really does.

 

[Uncle Al]

FLASH... THIS JUST IN.. All the toilets in New York City have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on .

 

[bbquzz]

This is not my house!

Contrary to what you may have heard, this is not my house

 

[bigwheel]

Idle Thoughts Of A Retiree's Wandering Mind:

I had amnesia once---or twice
********************

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
********************

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy
********************

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
********************

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
********************

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
********************

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
********************

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
********************

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
********************

How can there be self-help "groups"?
********************

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
********************

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
********************

Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
********************

Thats a killer and needs to be on FB. If it aint already.

 

[dledmo]

It would be better if they got a Weber!