Heard any good jokes lately?

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bigwheel said:
Those were some killers. Thanks folks. Has anybody told the one about the two Irishmen touring the brewery when one of them drowns in a vat of Guiness?
Here's one version:

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no. Fact is, he got out three times to take a pee."
 
Bob In Fla. said:
bbquzz said:
[quote="Nick Prochilo":65g0p3gd]
bigwheel said:
Those were some killers. Thanks folks. Has anybody told the one about the two Irishmen touring the brewery when one of them drowns in a vat of Guiness?
No, please tell!


Yes please tell and include pictures ... No pictures, no joke :mrgreen:
X3
How in the world can an Irishman drown in Guiness? Ida thought he'd drink the vat dry. Kinda like in that movie with those guys from the Great White North.

BOB[/quote:65g0p3gd]

I remember a scene like that from "Strange Brew" with Bob and Doug McKenzie
 
The Golfing Nun...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior.
"I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my
brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know
I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it
your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's
name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
"You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster,
Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...
and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I
wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate!
But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to
fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods,
grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of
myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from
God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel
and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished,
"because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel
started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green,
and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from
the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the "fing" putt, didn't you?"
 
My wife and I went to the State Fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '*
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'*
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'*
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

....and that's when the fight started....

The doctors say I will make a full recovery.
 
That's a variation on the old Calvin Coolidge joke:

President Calvin Coolidge and his wife were at a government farm one day and were taken around on separate tours. Mrs. Coolidge, passing the chicken pens, inquired of a supervisor whether the lone rooster was sufficient, given the many hens in the chicken flock.

"Yes", the man said, "the rooster works very hard."

Mrs. Coolidge then asked, "Really? The rooster works very hard? Every day?"

"Oh, yes," the man said. "Dozens of times a day."

"Interesting!" Mrs. Coolidge replied, "Be sure to tell that to the President!"

Some time later the President, passing the same pens, was told about the roosters - and about his wife's remark. "Same hen every time?", he asked.

"Oh, no, a different one each time," the supervisor replied.

"Tell that," Coolidge said with a sly nod, "to Mrs. Coolidge."
 
What's six inches long and not getting sucked tonight?





















Whitney Houston's crack pipe


Sent from my intergalactic communicator using Tapatalk
 
Lol thats cold but sorta funny. Have yall heard about Leroy's hearing? I just got it the other day from my brother. It was hilarious. Prob made the rounds on the net by now. Any aint heard it or seen it speak up and somebody will give it out in prose or something.


wittdog said:
What's six inches long and not getting sucked tonight?





















Whitney Houston's crack pipe


Sent from my intergalactic communicator using Tapatalk
 
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy obeys and says,
"99".
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left sideand again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,
'99".
Again, the old guy says,
'99'."
The doctor said, “Very good”.
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis
to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy begins,








"One...












two…
















three…"
 
An oldie...


....Happy and Sad..

..A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".

..The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time”.

....She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
 
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a
door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs.. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

­­
 
Magic Penis
>
> A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip,
> so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her
> occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his
> situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't
> know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for
> so many weeks, except.... the Magic Penis!'
>
> The husband said, 'The what'?
>
> The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and
> pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
>
> The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a
> dildo!'
>
> The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic
> Penis, door!'
>
> The penis rose out of its box, darted
> over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook
> wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began
> to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic
> Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and
> returned to the box.
>
> The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
> After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife
> remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box
> and said 'Magic Penis, my crotch.' The penis
> shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After
> three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and
> decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out,
> but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her
> how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car
> and started for the closest hospital.
> On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm
> made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and
> immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and
> then asked how much she'd had to drink.
>
> Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't
> had anything to drink officer You see, I've got
> this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't
> stop screwing me.'
>
> The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and
> replied, 'Yeah right.... Magic Penis, my ass....!'
>
> The rest, as they say, is history...
 
How come only 10% of women go to heaven? Because if 100% went it would be hell.
 
One of the best analogies I've seen!
=========================================================
Republicans don't understand THE DEBT CEILING.
Liberals don't understand THE DEBT CEILING.
Democrats don't understand THE DEBT CEILING.

Allow me to explain:

Let's say, you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup
in your neighborhood.
Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.
What do you think you should do?


Raise the ceilings or pump out the Shit?
 
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