Heard any good jokes lately?

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This is an alcohol test just in time for New Year's Eve.

1. Click HERE to take the test
2. A new window will open - click on the man's nose
3. For each time you click on his nose, you can take another drink!!!
 
this is actually a post from a woman friend on Facebook...a short conversation with
her son, instead of a joke, but it's the funniest thing I've heard this year.

"Mom, do you know how to attract a llama?". Me - "No, I'd have to think about that.". Aidan - "One way for sure is fish sticks!"
 
Larry applied for an engineering position.

Puff applied for the same job. Both applicants, having the same
qualifications, were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon
completion of the test, both men only missed one of the
questions.

The manager went to Larry and said: "Thanks for your interest,
but we've decided to give Puff the job."

Larry asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got
nine questions correct!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the
correct answers, but, rather, on the one question that you
both missed."

Larry then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be
better than the other?"

The manager said: "Larry, it's like this. On question No. 4
Puff put down; 'I don't know.'

You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
 
A group of engineers representing various disciplines were drinking in a bar one night. They all agreed God was the best engineer which ever was and began to argue about what field He best represented:

The Electrical Engineer in the bunch said, "All you need to do is look at the human body with all its intricate electrical design to see that God's specialty is Electrical Engineering."

The Mechanical Engineer spoke up next and said, "If you examine the marvelous mechanical functioning of the body, with it various moving parts, it can plainly be seen God is more oriented toward Mechanical Engineering.

The Civil Engineer got his turn and said, "Well yall are pretty dumb. All a person has to do is look at a human female to see that God is a Civil Engineer...who but a Civil Engineer would think of running a sewer line through the middle of a playground?"
 
A man walks into a bar and notices a 100-dollar bill in a frame above the bar.
He asks the barkeep, "Was that the first hundred you made?"
"No", replied the bartender. "That's for a contest we have but no one's ever won."
"I want to play", said the man.
"Well", said the barkeep, "There are three parts to this contest: The first thing you have to do is knock out that bouncer over there. Only one man has ever done that.
The second thing you have to do is go out back.
I have a pit-bull out there with a loose tooth. You have to pull that tooth out.
The guy who knocked out my bouncer ended up in the hospital when he tried that one.
Finally, you have to make love to that 400-pound woman sitting at the back of the bar. "Upon hearing the third requirement, the man said "No thanks, I'll pass".
However, after a good amount of drinking the man reconsidered and yelled to the barkeep "Bring it on! What's first?" "The bouncer" said the bartender. Upon hearing this, the man promptly walked over to the bouncer and laid him out with one punch. "Impressive!
Now for the pit-bull", said the bartender. The man went out back.
For about five minutes all that could be heard was barking and crashing, and finally a dog's whimper. The man walked back into the bar proudly and, zipping up his pants, said "Now where's that fat gal with the loose tooth?"
 
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
 
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but
don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true, no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of twenty chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because', he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.
(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun
 
Hillbilly Book on Manners


1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


DINING OUT

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME


1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.



PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.


2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.



DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, “ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.”


WEDDINGS

1. Livestockis usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, while a tuxedo is traditionally worn, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

6. A bridal veil made of fly netting is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.



TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records
 
The top 31 things you'll never hear Bigwheel say:

31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.
30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who cares who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweet tea tastes better.
9. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate
6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite college team.
3. You Guys.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A BIGWHEEL SAY:

1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a busload of us down to vote for
Obama!
 
Why do Tarheels go Barefoot?

A man in Topeka , Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "Calls: $10,000 a minute". Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle , Houston , St. Louis , Chicago , Milwaukee and many cities and town all around the United States , he found more phones same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. Upon entering a church in the beautiful state of North Carolina, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents."

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?"

I love this part...

The pastor, smiling broadly replied, "Son, you're in North Carolina now - you're in God's Country. It's a local call."

American by Birth, North Carolinian by Grace of God.

And why do North Carolina's Tarheels go barefoot? CAUSE, when your are in North Carolina, you are on Holy Ground!
 
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they ask, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
 
Those were some killers. Thanks folks. Has anybody told the one about the two Irishmen touring the brewery when one of them drowns in a vat of Guiness?
 
bbquzz said:
Nick Prochilo said:
bigwheel said:
Those were some killers. Thanks folks. Has anybody told the one about the two Irishmen touring the brewery when one of them drowns in a vat of Guiness?
No, please tell!


Yes please tell and include pictures ... No pictures, no joke :mrgreen:
X3
How in the world can an Irishman drown in Guiness? Ida thought he'd drink the vat dry. Kinda like in that movie with those guys from the Great White North.

BOB
 
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