Heard any good jokes lately?
- Thread starter Captain Morgan
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NewHeart
Senior Cook
- Joined
- Jun 17, 2007
- Messages
- 179
Voted the best Australian joke:
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...
So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...
So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!
Bob In Fla.
Head Chef
This about sums it up.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...
Supreme Court rules no Nativity scene in DC
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in
the United States' Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to
find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.
A search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the
stable.
(maybe this shouldn't have been posted in the JOKES thread?) :roll: :?
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...
Supreme Court rules no Nativity scene in DC
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in
the United States' Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to
find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.
A search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the
stable.
(maybe this shouldn't have been posted in the JOKES thread?) :roll: :?
Nick Prochilo
Chef Extraordinaire
What's scaring Bob is, that's pretty much the truth! 
Captain Morgan
Chef Extraordinaire
The phone rang in the hospital's emergency rang, and a nurse
answered....a man with a rush excited voice said "I'm out in the
wood hunting and I shot my friend! I think I may have killed him
and I don't know what to do!!"
"Calm down" said the nurse..."first let's make sure he's dead."
"Ok" said the hunter and the nurse could hear him put the phone down.
The she heard a loud shot, and the hunter came back to the phone and said..
"ok. Now what?"
answered....a man with a rush excited voice said "I'm out in the
wood hunting and I shot my friend! I think I may have killed him
and I don't know what to do!!"
"Calm down" said the nurse..."first let's make sure he's dead."
"Ok" said the hunter and the nurse could hear him put the phone down.
The she heard a loud shot, and the hunter came back to the phone and said..
"ok. Now what?"
bbquzz
Master Chef
Nick Prochilo said:What's scaring Bob is, that's pretty much the truth!
Not pretty much ... IT IS THE TRUTH!
Bob In Fla.
Head Chef
bbquzz said:Nick Prochilo said:What's scaring Bob is, that's pretty much the truth!
Not pretty much ... IT IS THE TRUTH!
That's why I wondered if I'd posted it in the right place. :? :roll:
BOB
Bob In Fla.
Head Chef
Traffic Jam
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
...
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
The driver asks "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon.
I stole this one off of a FaceBook post.
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
...
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
The driver asks "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon.
I stole this one off of a FaceBook post.
Tri Tip
Head Chef
Did you hear about the fight at the candy store?
Two suckers got licked!
Two suckers got licked!
Tri Tip
Head Chef
Someone once asked if I eat meat. I replied rarely....
Tri Tip
Head Chef
What’s the difference between a Wal-Mart and a Hoover?
The dirt bags!
The dirt bags!
A grasshopper goes in to a bar and orders a drink....the bartender comes back and says, "Hey, we got a drink named after you!"...The grasshopper said, "Really, you have a drink named Melvin!!??"
john pen
Master Chef
Try this experiment...It really works to find out who your real friend is. If you dont believe it, just try it.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk for an hour. When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you ?
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk for an hour. When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you ?
Tri Tip
Head Chef
A rope walks into a bar, bartender says, “ we don’t serve your kind”.
The rope walks out, ties himself into a knot and goes back in.
The bartender says, “ I said, we don’t serve your kind, you’re a rope”!
The rope replies, “No,,, I’m afraid not”
Let me know if I hold the record for lamest jokes?
The rope walks out, ties himself into a knot and goes back in.
The bartender says, “ I said, we don’t serve your kind, you’re a rope”!
The rope replies, “No,,, I’m afraid not”
Let me know if I hold the record for lamest jokes?
bbquzz
Master Chef
Kinda brings a tear to the eye ! A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: Where the hell are you?
Husband: Darling you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day. Wife, with a smile blushing: Yes, I remember that my Love. Husband: Well, I'm in the bar next to that shop.
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: Where the hell are you?
Husband: Darling you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day. Wife, with a smile blushing: Yes, I remember that my Love. Husband: Well, I'm in the bar next to that shop.
Bob In Fla.
Head Chef
Christmas Party
December 1...
To All Employees
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will be held on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band will play traditional carols...feel free to sing-along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree.
Exchanging gifts among employees can be done at this time. Please remember to keep gifts to the agreed $10 limit.
Merry Christmas to you and yours,
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 2...
To All Employees
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday and often coincides with Christmas (although not this year). However, from now on we're calling this party our Holiday Party. The same policy also applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no tree or Christmas carols sung.
Happy holidays to you and yours.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 3...
To All Employees
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate your request but please remember that if I put a sign on the table that reads "AA Only" you won't be anonymous any more.
In addition, we'll no longer be having a gift exchange because union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 7...
To All Employees
I have arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest away from the dessert table and for pregnant members to sit closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gays; each group will have its own table. And, yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 9...
To All Employees
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for "Santa" does happen to be "Satan." There is no evil connation to our own little "man in a red suit."
Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 10...
To All Employees
Vegetarians! I've had it with you people. We're holding this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can just sit at the table farthest from the "Grill of Death" as you call it, and you'll get salad bar only including hydroponics tomatoes.
Tomatoes have feelings too, you know. They scream when you slice them. I can hear them now.
I hope you have a rotten holiday. Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The B***h from H**l
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 14...
To All Employees
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
December 1...
To All Employees
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will be held on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band will play traditional carols...feel free to sing-along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree.
Exchanging gifts among employees can be done at this time. Please remember to keep gifts to the agreed $10 limit.
Merry Christmas to you and yours,
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 2...
To All Employees
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday and often coincides with Christmas (although not this year). However, from now on we're calling this party our Holiday Party. The same policy also applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no tree or Christmas carols sung.
Happy holidays to you and yours.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 3...
To All Employees
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate your request but please remember that if I put a sign on the table that reads "AA Only" you won't be anonymous any more.
In addition, we'll no longer be having a gift exchange because union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 7...
To All Employees
I have arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest away from the dessert table and for pregnant members to sit closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gays; each group will have its own table. And, yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 9...
To All Employees
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for "Santa" does happen to be "Satan." There is no evil connation to our own little "man in a red suit."
Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 10...
To All Employees
Vegetarians! I've had it with you people. We're holding this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can just sit at the table farthest from the "Grill of Death" as you call it, and you'll get salad bar only including hydroponics tomatoes.
Tomatoes have feelings too, you know. They scream when you slice them. I can hear them now.
I hope you have a rotten holiday. Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The B***h from H**l
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 14...
To All Employees
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
Vermin999
Executive Chef
^^^ is probably a true story and not a joke^^^
Vermin999
Executive Chef
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n..
Female...Any part under a car's hood.
Male...... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female..Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male....... Leaving a note before taking off on a hunting trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female...A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male........ A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male....... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Female...Any part under a car's hood.
Male...... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female..Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male....... Leaving a note before taking off on a hunting trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female...A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male........ A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male....... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
bbquzz
Master Chef
Did you know ... In 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address will occur on the same day. This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we will look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication. The other involves a groundhog.
Bob In Fla.
Head Chef
That's so close to true, can it be considered as a joke? :?bbquzz said:
:roll: BOB
