Heard any good jokes lately?

[Gary in VA]

A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I
had a little sister!"

Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you
already have a sister!"

Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?"

"Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid's chain. "You don't
see her because every time you come in the front door, she
scoots out the back door!"

The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed,
"You mean just like my other daddy!"

 

[Tri Tip]

Mommy, why are your hands so soft?

Because I'm 15.

 

[Rag1]

SMART ASS

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by,

put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window,

looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked,

"What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes.

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,

"You're doing well. Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them, they've been around!

 

[Nick Prochilo]

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. Then the teacher realized only little Johnny was left.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Sharon. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Muslim terrorists. She shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last terrorist with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Sharon when she's been drinking."

 

[Griff]

I've heard a different version that involved an eight year old boy and his father. The morale was "you don't f**k with the old man when he's been drinkin'."

 

[Nick Prochilo]

Now, this is one that should be posted in every restroom!


In the washroom in the airport
I saw this handwritten sign
posted over one of those
hot air hand dryers:

"Please push button and listen
for a short message
from the President!"

 

[Uncle Al]

An elderly man goes to the doctor and asks him for 4 Viagra tablets cut into 4 pieces.

The doctor then explains that that won't be enough to give him a full erection.

The man replies "I'm 96 years old, I don't want an erection, I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee into my slippers!"

 

[Bobberqer]

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room.

As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar :

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am."

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger."

 

[Bobberqer]

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.



The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.



As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.


The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.



After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.



Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'



Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'


Clearing his throat, he stammered ....



'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming............................That was me

 

[Nick Prochilo]

Just found a new keyboard for my computer!

[attachment=0:2i9durvq]Man keyboard.jpg[/attachment:2i9durvq]

 

[Bruce B]

Guy gets home from work and makes himself a cocktail to unwind after a hard day.

His wife comes into the room and says, "Dear I really don't like you when you drink." The guy without missing a beat says, "That's alright, I don't like you when I'm sober."

 

[Justaguy]

Guy gets home from work and makes himself a cocktail to unwind after a hard day.

His wife comes into the room and says, "Dear I really don't like you when you drink." The guy without missing a beat says, "That's alright, I don't like you when I'm sober."

That's in my head now, and it's gonna cause me a lot of trouble one day.

 

[Nick Prochilo]

So I'm at the gym this morning working out. I'm feeling uncomfortable with gas pains. So there I am struggling with the pain and I realize the music is real loud so maybe, just maybe I can sneak a few out going with the beat of the music. So little by little I'm letting them rip, keeping with the beat to the music. After about 15 minutes I'm feeling much better. I look around and notice EVERYBODY is looking at me. That's when I realized I was listening to my Ipod!

 

[Captain Morgan]

Why don't lawyers use Viagra?


It only makes them taller.


(sorry Griff )

 

[ScottyDaQ]

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the office. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s fordinner?”

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

“Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!”

 

[Nick Prochilo]

A guy walks into a bar after losing a case in court and yells "All lawyers are assholes". Larry, sitting in the back of the bar yells out "I'm offended with that remark". The other guy yells back "Are you a lawyer?" No Larry says, I'm an asshole!

I'm sorry too Griff

 

[bbquzz]

A guy walks into a bar after losing a case in court and yells "All lawyers are assholes". Larry, sitting in the back of the bar yells out "I'm offended with that remark". The other guy yells back "Are you a lawyer?" No Larry says, I'm an asshole!

I'm sorry too Griff

 

[Captain Morgan]

An American was traveling abroad through Scotland when he came across a picturesque Scottish village, complete with a stone bridge over a shallow stream. As he passed several quaint old barns and farmhouses, he made his way to the center of town, where he located an inn.

As it was getting late, he decided to stop for the night. He came into the bar and observed the polished wooden bar, the spacious common room with finely carved furniture, but scarcely any patrons save one. There was a great, hulking scottsman brooding into a mug at the far end of the bar. He sat at the other side of the bar, and ordered a pint.

He made the mistake of making eye contact with the Scot, who lunged to his feet and staggered to the stool next to the American.

"D'ya see that bridge out there?!" He demanded "I built that bridge! I laid it stone by stone, set the mortar, raised the braces and gave this town a bridge like they'd never seen! But do they call me Angus the Bridge Builder?! NAAAAAY! They dunnah!"

"D'ya see that BARN at there?" He demanded, gesturing at the farmhouses the American had passed on the way into town. "I raised that Barn myself! I cut the timber, I raised the frame, I shingled the roof!!! Do they call me Angus the Barn Raise? NAAAAAAAY! They dunnah!"

"D'ya see this INN!?" He began to slam his fist violently on the bar. "I built this Inn! I laid the foundation and cut the timber, I crafted the bar and sanded and shined it til it was perfect, I built every **** piece of furniture in this bloody place, but do they call me Angus the Inn Maker? NAAAAAAAY, they dunnah!

But you **** one sheep, just ONE bloody sheep...!!!"

 

[Captain Morgan]

you guys are sleeping on the job....let's hear some new ones

 

[bbquzz]

Wonder how many times he gets stopped by the police?

It's only a fuel tank .....



It's all I got for now Cappy