Heard any good jokes lately?

[Bobberqer]

from the colonoscopy clinic

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:


1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone

before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'


And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?'

 

[Griff]

Re: from the colonoscopy clinic

'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?'

 

[Nick Prochilo]

Re: from the colonoscopy clinic

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:


1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone

before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'


And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?'

You forgot

14. Shouldn'd we be sharing a bottle of wine?

 

[Captain Morgan]

An armed, hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pull it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation. He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.



One of the tellers is looking straight at him, and the robber shoots him, too. Everyone, by now, is very scared and looking down at the floor.



"Did anyone else see my face?", calls the robber. There are a few moments silence, then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand, clears his throat and says, "I think me wife over there might have caught a glimpse...."

 

[DJ]

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.
Bob, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Bob had the
largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Bob,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be
cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for
posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Bob is dead!'

 

[DJ]

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

 

[NewHeart]

You just can't fix stupid!

 

[Pigs On The Wing BBQ]

You just can't fix stupid!

Love it! I'm dumb, but not stupid. Sad part is that I'm sure no adult beverages were involved. What a idiot.

Pigs

 

[john pen]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus
payment. This is a very exciting new program. I will explain it using the
Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q.. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending
your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to
China .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico,
Honduras and Guatemala.
* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to
management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:
1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos..
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US.)

I'm going to go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that I met at a
yard sale and we're going to drink beer all day!

 

[Smokey_Joe]

CHANGE



As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change, I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

 

[Bobberqer]

A woman from land of fruits nuts and flakes, Los Angeles, CA who was a tree hugger, a democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Colville, WA.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a Doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?!!!!!!"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

" I'm sorry, but they turned me down".

 

[Bobberqer]

Obama's health plan

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doingthat?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,

"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture. The new Obama care only allows for this type of treatment"

Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying inbed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, private health plan plan."

 

[DJ]

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her ****'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrathe that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

 

[bknox]

Golf Accident

Two women were playing golf One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments And asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken

 

[NewHeart]

Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no
hesitation, jumps in head first!

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks
up.

"Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole
here!"

The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a
transmission!"

 

[Smokey_Joe]

Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no
hesitation, jumps in head first!

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks
up.

"Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole
here!"

The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a
transmission!"

Thanks for the laugh.... THAT was a funny assed joke!

 

[Captain Morgan]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section
of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose,
then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his
reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped
her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might
have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more
minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a
tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to
restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, 'I couldn't help but
notice' he said, 'that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then
shuddered violently. Are you ok?' 'I am sorry if I disturbed you,' she
replied. 'I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an
orgasm.' The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was very curious, 'I happen
to be a doctor and I have never heard of that condition before' he said.
'Are you taking anything for it?'She
replied..........................."BLACK PEPPER"

 

[john pen]

> Traffic Camera
>
> I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.
> Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
> Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed
> I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.
> Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
>

 

[Nick Prochilo]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special .'?

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check.
I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can
call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.

'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

 

[Nick Prochilo]

For those that don't know about history... Here is a condensed version:



Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.



Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were
formed.



Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer
that conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women.
Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.