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Old 03-31-2009, 06:49 AM   #1
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excellent snake story

copied this from another forum....one man's encounter with evil...


"Came home around 6 thirty-ish. Went outside and started working on the deck. Started screwing down the deck railing and banging the nails back in with a hammer. I dropped a screw, leaned over to pick it up, and saw a snake right next to my hand. After completely flipping out, I ran up the deck and did one of those full-body shake things that you do when something grosses you out. Then, I gathered my bearings, ran to the shed and grabbed the wide shovel. Standing around two feet away from the deadly serpent, I began to try to cut its head off. The problem was that the ground was too soft underneath, so I pretty much kept pushing it into the ground. Pissing him off, but not killing him.

Then, I realized that I didn't see him anymore. I flaked. As soon as I saw a tail move in the grass, I did what any self-respecting man would have done. I backed up four feet and started wildly whacking the ground like I'm trying to win a Teddy Bear for my best girl at the County Fair.

Around three or four minutes pass and I'm working up a good sweat. The snake is no longer moving. And then he starts moving again, but in a different spot. This confuses me until a lightbulb goes off and sends synapses of terror directly to my already sweaty palms.

Two snakes.

My life is over, as far as I can tell. I jumped up on the third step of the deck and retried the chop-ya-in-half, death from above maneuver. Again, the ground is too soft. So I decide to go after the dead one again, hoping to gain confidence. Knowing that I had killed it real good, I went to work on the other one again, who was writhing and wrigling like a snake possessed.

For some reason, all rationalization subsides, and I'm left with a sense of purpose. Bisquit is still outside running around. If she gets close to this snake (the living one), something bad could happen. So I ran downstairs and won the biggest Teddy Bear you've ever seen. I beat the thing until it looked like a petrified stick. No more snakey...>

So, I picked up the snakes with the shovel with all the delicacy of a first time ice skater, holding the very tip of the shovel to maximize my Ryan/Snake distance. I then threw the snakes over the back of the fence in an effort to show their evil friends and family that I am a force to not be ****** with. I had just completed what was, in my mind, a textbook snake removal.

So I go back to hammering, stopping periodically to look down in case one of the legless wonders was feeling froggy. Everything looked safe and locked down. I continue to hammer away and feel something big land on my neck. I swat it away and keep hammering. Then I see a hornet land on the porch in front of me. And then another. I kneel down only to find that, yes indeedy, I had just nailed into a hornet's nest.

I grab the dog and run inside, and we both stare out the storm door at the pissed off little stingers, kind of like a kid looking outside at the pouring rain on the first day of summer vacation.

I grab the insect repellant and tell the puppy to stay inside.

Daddy's not done yet.

So I run outside and spray a barrage of insecticide from multiple angles, stirring up the troops. I run out of spray and see them coming, at which point I completely lose my **** and jump the fence, running around the house to the front door, which I slam shut and lock behind me so they can't get in.

Then Bisquit and I played the waiting game, which is played by me sitting there throwing Cheese Nips to her, and her eating them.

Then we went to Wendy's. I gave her a congratulatory french fry to celebrate a job well done.

That said, I'm never going in my backyard again. **** that place.
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Old 03-31-2009, 08:52 AM   #2
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That's great.

I was upstairs at the house when I heard Barb scream, doors slam and her pounding through the house. I figured she would fill me in at some point. She had gone out the front door to shake a rug and a Garder snake was in the bushes.
I tried several times over 3 days to wack him with a shovel but the branches were in the way.
Took a 12 ga and a rake out there. Fired on his ass, then put the gun down and grabbed the rake in case any neighbors looked over. I pretended to wonder where the shot came from.
I'm a hero at my house.
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Old 03-31-2009, 10:01 AM   #3
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"Knowing that I had killed it real good"! LOL!
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Old 03-31-2009, 10:21 AM   #4
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I bet a 12ga works great on a snake.

Great story, Cap'n.

We don't have any snakes in Alaska, only grizzley bears.
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Old 03-31-2009, 01:49 PM   #5
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I loved this part

As soon as I saw a tail move in the grass, I did what any self-respecting man would have done. I backed up four feet and started wildly whacking the ground"
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Old 03-31-2009, 02:18 PM   #6
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Hey,Cap,.....;}-

Why such a wuss, they were probably more afraid of you than you of them
Wouldn't be scared of a 50' giant flailing a shovel around?Besides , you just increased the rodent population in your neighborhoodLMAO

Shucks, they taste good too,(no,not like Chicken-like ...uh...Snake)

Caught a truckload of them rattly thingsd while in Sweetwater in '79.



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Old 03-31-2009, 03:09 PM   #7
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My last encounter with a snake involved a black snake I estimated at 5-6 feet long, climbing up the outside of my patio door. I had previously had to chase it out of a bluebird house in the back yard, so I knew what I was dealing with. My wife saw it, and started banging on the inside of the door. "What are you doing?" I asked. She said she was trying to scare it away. "Do you really want it to fall off the door and down underneath the deck, where you'll know it's there but can't see it? Or would you rather leave it alone until I can go out and deal with it?"

She saw the logic in my argument. So I walked out the front door, around the house, and up on the deck. I caught the blacksnake and escorted it to a point about 25 feet behind my back fence. (Well, more accurately, I escorted it to the fence and threw it the rest of the way.)
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Old 03-31-2009, 04:39 PM   #8
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Funny story.
In all seriousness though, I'm scared to death of snakes. I really don't do to well with bee's either, here's why:
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Old 03-31-2009, 05:34 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Larry D.
My last encounter with a snake involved a black snake I estimated at 5-6 feet long, climbing up the outside of my patio door. I had previously had to chase it out of a bluebird house in the back yard, so I knew what I was dealing with. My wife saw it, and started banging on the inside of the door. "What are you doing?" I asked. She said she was trying to scare it away. "Do you really want it to fall off the door and down underneath the deck, where you'll know it's there but can't see it? Or would you rather leave it alone until I can go out and deal with it?"

She saw the logic in my argument. So I walked out the front door, around the house, and up on the deck. I caught the blacksnake and escorted it to a point about 25 feet behind my back fence. (Well, more accurately, I escorted it to the fence and threw it the rest of the way.)
Wife logic bad........snakes......bad. Good call Larry
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Old 03-31-2009, 06:35 PM   #10
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Should have thrown the snake and the wife over the fence!
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I hope this isn't negative!
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