Chili hurts everyone! - BBQ Central

Go Back   BBQ Central > Corporate Administration > General (Non-BBQ) Discussion
Click Here to Login
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
 
Old 04-21-2010, 03:51 PM   #1
Saint O'Que
 
Gary in VA's Avatar


 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: McGaheysville, Virginia
Posts: 1,411
Chili hurts everyone!

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to sh!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement #2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next-door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it
happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.

That of course set me off again, one little laugh caused residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Kroger. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
__________________

__________________
Gary Cline
Gary's Barbeque
McGaheysville, Virginia

Barbeque. Sit back, relax, and let the smoke work it's magic!

You can't drink all day, unless you start in the morning.

Lang 84 Deluxe
Primo Oval XL
Weber Smokey Mountain
Weber 22" One Touch Gold
Brinkman Smoke - n - pit Pro
Cheap Table Top Grill
Weber Silver Gasser - she left me on 9/11/10
Gary in VA is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-21-2010, 05:42 PM   #2
Official BBQ Central Mark
 
bigwheel's Avatar


 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Foat Wuth
Posts: 9,951
Re: Chili hurts everyone!

Wow. You need to send for my free email bookette on How to Cook Chili. I show you how to make some that soothes the intesinal track like mother breastes milk soothes a newborn infink. Ghauranteed to stifle the urge to blow firey caca over the barn. Shipping is only 5 bucks. Let me know.

bigwheel
__________________

bigwheel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-21-2010, 05:48 PM   #3
Wizard of Que
 
bknox's Avatar


 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Cicero, IL
Posts: 1,704
Re: Chili hurts everyone!

LOL! Proving no matter how disgusting, farts are funny. Thanks for sharing. The first time I laughed all day. "malodorous effluvium", classic.
__________________
Bryan Knox
Knox's Spice Company
Regional & Specialty Dry Rubs and Seasonings
Find Us on Facebookhttps://www.facebook.com/knoxspice
bknox is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-21-2010, 06:22 PM   #4
Wizard of Que
 
Smokey Lew's Avatar


 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Southern California - Riverside
Posts: 1,502
Re: Chili hurts everyone!

Holy crap! That was almost to much information but it was funny as hell.
__________________
Smokey Lew
Riverside, California
WSM 22.5"
Weber Performer, black

http://chaneysgrills.com/index.html
Smokey Lew is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-21-2010, 06:42 PM   #5
Moderator
 
bbquzz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Newark, OH & Indian River, MI
Posts: 5,011
Re: Chili hurts everyone!

__________________
Buzz Price
WSM 18.5 WSM 22.5 Performers, Black & Green Q 300 Gasser
KCBS Certified Judge #53267
bbquzz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-22-2010, 07:59 AM   #6
Saint O'Que
 
Larry D.'s Avatar


 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Clemmons, NC
Posts: 1,294
Re: Chili hurts everyone!

To add insult to injury:

1. You can expect to have PETA demonstrating outside your house because of the flock of birds that fell dead as they were flying over the store.
2. The airlines will try to bill you for lost revenue - when the volcano shut down air traffic there was no one to blame, but in this case, it's you.
__________________
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?"
Larry D. is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-22-2010, 07:40 PM   #7
Pork Butt


 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 135
Re: Chili hurts everyone!

Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!
__________________

__________________
Follow me on Twitter @BubbaQBBQ

www.Bubba-Q.com
Bubba-Q is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off








Copyright 2002- Social Knowledge, LLC All Rights Reserved.

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:36 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 4
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.